Seven Deadly Celebrities
Audio file surfaces, showing icons’ true colors
Hollywood, California, 2015 — in this town of dreams and big business is a car carrying seven of the most popular media icons of this century. Seven people who all, in their own way, embody a trait that society deems a vice, a sin.
Recently, an audio recording has surfaced on the internet of seven celebrities while they were on their way to the Studio A lot in Hollywood, California. These celebrities — Kanye West, Guy Fieri, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian, Charlie Sheen, Dave Franco and Simon Cowell — were all in the same vehicle while driving to a shoot for their newest film, The 7 Deadly Sins, when the driver of the vehicle, the valet, took a wrong turn. The audio from the vehicle was deleted almost as quickly as it was posted, but through … connections … this reporter was able to get his hands on it before it was removed.
The audio begins with Guy Fieri realizing the car is lost. Immediately the other celebrities pounce on him with a barrage of insults. Cowell begins the rampage: “Oh, shut up, you spikey-haired moron. You’re the one that made us late because you had to get chicken fries from Burger King.” Fieri takes the defensive and replies, “Take it easy, man. I’m just trying to grab some grub. A man’s gotta eat!”
Cyrus cuts in, defending Fieri: “I like a man who can eat. Something about that just turns me on in all the right places, you know what I mean?” Shortly after, West steps in and condemns the rest of the car: “All of you stop talking. I, me, the infallible genius Yeezus, am trying to concentrate on solving the problem of us being lost.” Cyrus lashes back at West and says, “You can’t make us stop and we won’t stop!”
Franco attempts to be the peacemaker of the group: “Kanye, you should be a tad nicer…” But, oddly enough, Sheen begins to attack Franco: “Ah shut up, worse James Franco.” Franco takes obvious offense to this and replies, “Hey, I’m in movies too!”
Kardashian gets a word in edgewise: “Oh yeah, because Warm Bodies was so good.” The tone in Franco’s voice seems to be getting angrier as he retorts, “Okay, Kim, let’s talk about your filmography. And you couldn’t even act well for that!”
Sheen adds his two cents (and promptly takes it back), saying, “It must be hard not being as famous as your brother — or myself for that matter.”
With that, Franco loses it: “Hey! 21 Jump Street was a national treasure! That movie made $138 million at the box office! All you did was get drunk on TV and try to sleep with 20 different women at once.” Sheen lets out a chuckle in response, “That sounds like the life to me.” The audio fades a little, but Franco’s whimpering is still audible.
It was then when West snapped at the group of celebs: “Okay! You all really have to shut up now! I cannot concentrate on the matter at hand with all of you talking nonsense!” Kardashian, in a yawn, says, “Take care of this one, Kanye baby.”
Fieri then makes an irrelevant comment toward the group as a whole, asking again when they’re going to get to the restaurant. When the rest of the group makes it clear to Fieri that they are not on their way to get food, he responds, “Well, can we?”
Cyrus, still upset at West’s comment from earlier, snaps at Fieri: “You’re gross! Diners and dives are filthy! Why would anyone ever eat there?” Fieri seems taken aback, but replies calmly: “They’re less filthy than a sledgehammer.”
The audio cuts out after that, but not before Cowell begins cursing things that this reporter has not heard since his days in the Navy. Although Sheen and Cyrus make no more comments, a faint lip-smacking sound can be heard in the background.
This is followed by indescernible fighting sounds, Kanye ranting about his “lyrical genius,” Kim snoring and Franco continuing his pathetic whimpers.
Michael Villani is a freshman television-radio major who isn’t afraid to admit he gets a thrill out of licking hammers. You can email him at email@example.com.