Patriot, Pinhead or Saint?

By | May 2nd, 2015 | Sawdust

Jesus criticizes Sean Hannity for blasphemy

Sean Hannity, host of Fox News’ “The Sean Hannity Show,” was surprised to learn last night that Jesus Christ is not the staunch supporter of ultra-conservatism as he once thought. In fact, He is not a supporter of the news pundit at all. The Almighty Son descended from the heavens in the middle of a Ted Nugent interview where he condemned Hannity for his incompassionate, xenophobic interpretation of the word of God.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Jesus said, quickly giving the sign of the cross to everyone nearby, “but, I was worried that if I waited any longer my followers would think I was a real jackass.”

Not missing a beat, Hannity kept his slick, contemptuous demeanor as he asked the Christian messiah to reconsider. As a devout Catholic himself, he has been dedicated to promoting issues like unjustified prejudice toward police departments and those awful feminazis. Hannity probed the Lamb of God for His views on the United States’ involvement in the Middle East where American soldiers have been keeping the utmost peace for more than 100 years.

“Jesus, buddy, just think for a minute,” Hannity said. “You haven’t been down here for a while. Don’t you think you’re a little … out of touch? There are riots out on the streets every day by these Arab extremists.” Hannity then double-took, realizing Jesus was of Levantine-Middle Eastern descent.

“What do you mean, these people?” Jesus asked, growing more irritated. Hannity mumbled something vaguely Islamophobic before changing the subject.

As the conversation went on, talks turned to the debate in Indiana about business’ discrimination of LGBT customers. While Hannity expressed his cautious acceptance of “gays” from afar, he asserted the validity of “separate but equal,” a practice considered unconstitutional since 1954.

“But come on, lord. You can’t possibly believe those liberals have the right to tell businesses how to do their job! If they were Jewish, you wouldn’t tell them they have to make signs for the Nazi party.”

Jesus responded by burying his head in his hands. “You don’t actually believe this, do you? Have I not been doing my job?” He said. Christ procured a bible out of thin air and held it up to the camera. “It’s all right here!” he said, pointing at the New Testament that spoke of turning the other cheek.

“Woah, guy, slow down,” Hannity said, placing a hand on Jesus’ shoulder while winking to the stage producer on stage left, who promptly gave him the thumbs up. Jesus withdrew from the host’s grasp, becoming cagey. He stood up and put his hands together in prayer. A crack formed in the floor directly underneath Hannity’s news desk, sending him falling into the pit of hell.
“I guess some people are beyond help,” Jesus said with a sigh. “He’ll have more fun down there anyway.”

But one thing they could both agree on, Jesus later joked, was their lack of support for presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. It turns out she can’t even win over a die-hard liberal like the son of God.

“I’m waiting for an announcement from Bernie Sanders,” Jesus said. “For his socialist-leaning platform, he’s got my backing.”


Tylor is a junior writing major, who has never, ever sinned. Not even once. You can email him at tcolby1@ithaca.edu.

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