How To Catch A Man
7 steps to reeling in your husband, whether he likes it or not
You’re sexy! You’re flirty! You’re fun! That’s everything a man wants, right? So why can’t you seem to catch the man of your dreams? Like most women, you’re probably going about it all wrong. Next time you spot “the one,” follow these simple steps and he’ll be all yours.
1. Keep your eyes on the prize
Someone likely once told you, “there are plenty of fish in the sea.” Well that’s great for fish, but you’re a woman and you have needs. Find the finest gentleman at the bar or the cutie who sits two over from you in biology of sex, and don’t let the mildly attractive guy eyeing you in the dining hall distract you from your man. It’s important to pick one and only one target. Sometimes you can’t narrow your choices down, whether you’re chasing five or stuck between two. The more men you’re trying to please, the wider the net you’re casting is, making it far easier for them to swim right on out.
2. Study hard
Once you’ve got his name, it’s time to begin your research. This could take anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks depending on your tracking experience. Find out everything — his favorite movies, his closest friends, whose Facebook page he visits most frequently, where he lives. You could also try following him home, breaking into his house or documenting his daily routine. Don’t forget to snap lots of pictures. Using these as your screensaver or phone background will serve as great motivation.
3. Lure him in
You’re already familiar with all his usual haunts, so turn these into your daily routine. Take it slow; spend the first week just following his schedule, then increase your interactions by elbowing him in the coffee line or giving his bumper a love-tap when stuck behind him in the parking lot. In a month or two you might even be ready to start speaking to him. Don’t worry too much about content or trying to become friends; as long as you only talk about things he likes and agree with him on everything, you should be fine. Remember, words are just the sound your mouth makes when it’s not busy exploring your dreamboat’s body.
4. Make your move
Don’t wait for him to make the first move; you are your own woman. When he’s least expecting it, toss a silky pillowcase over his head and take him home. Chloroform is your friend. Once in your house, make sure all the exits are well blocked and there’s no escape. After that, wait patiently for him to come-to and be sure to play it off like he slipped and hit his head on your coffee table. This will explain why he doesn’t remember going to your place. Depending on how naïve he is, you may be able to just invite him over. This doesn’t tend to be a guaranteed way of getting him to your house, so only use this method if you’re extremely confident it’ll work.
5. Cover your tracks
Before your man wakes up, “borrow” his phone and log back into his email. Now, you probably know your man better than he even knows himself; come up with a spontaneous trip he’s decided to take and contact his family, friends, coworkers and his boss. Inform them about your future husband’s sudden plans and make sure you emphasize that he’ll be abroad, uncontactable, and, most importantly, unsure of when he’ll be home. Remind yourself how much you will all laugh about this later. Who knows, maybe you just came up with the perfect honeymoon, which, at this point, is just around the corner.
6. Tame your beast
As Beauty and the Beast taught us, if you keep someone hostage long enough — offering them lavish feasts and showering them in gifts — eventually they’ll not only grow accustomed to living with you, but also fall madly in love with you. Once again you can monopolize the knowledge gained through your research to make sure your man’s stay is everything he could ever dream of. Before you know it, he’ll be getting down on one knee, ready to pop the question.
7. Happily ever after
Although he should still be kept on a tight leash, you’ve officially caught your man. It should be another year or two before he resists being your foot servant, starts asking you to do things and clutters your house. But divorce is messy; as long as he still has his looks, there’s no need to fret since it’s not too late to save your marriage. After all, it’ll be hard for him to back-sass if his mouth is sewn shut. There are many methods of taxidermy, and it isn’t hard to find the perfect guides to poisons, punctures, and hiding the stitching. Now you can enjoy your textbook-perfect family without the hassle of having a man hold you back.
Lisa Laffend is a sophomore integrated marketing communications major who is currently looking into starting her own taxidermy business. You can email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.