College grad moves back home to watch Netflix
As friends exchanged tearful hugs on commencement day, newly graduated Ethan Lacey had an advantage that nobody else had. Lacey had already landed not one but two job offers.
“It’s all pretty crazy,” Lacey said, a sheepish smile on his face. “I only sent out those two applications, and I didn’t even have to go in for interviews.”
These companies had apparently liked Lacey so much that they offered him positions immediately, along with very high salaries. However, the grad felt that none of these jobs fit in with his current lifestyle of binge-watching shows on Netflix, so he regrettably had to turn them both down.
“It was a real shame,” the young man admitted. “But what was I to do? If I had a job, there’s no way I’d be able to watch the entire new season of House of Cards in one day.” It’s also during this time that Lacey works on perfecting his Southern accent.
Lacey’s first offer was a business position in New York City, paying $100,000 a year. (This is a bit of a mystery, seeing as how his major was philosophy.) Anyhow, Lacey had always expressed his love of the city and of high salaries, so this job seemed like a perfect fit. Unfortunately, he just couldn’t take it.
“There would be a good deal of travel involved, such as going to London a few times a year. I just didn’t feel comfortable with that; since a few of our words are different, the language barrier would just be too much for me.” Lacey went on to say that seeing the world would get in the way of his Netflix time. “When I start a binge, it usually lasts between 10 and 14 hours. A new, exciting city would just be a terrible distraction.”
Lacey also expressed he was afraid he’d make new friends and would have to leave behind his besties on The Office. “I mean, how will Jim prank Dwight without me?! And Erin would be lost without my guidance.”
The second offer seemed better suited for his lifestyle: an entertainment blog writer. This would be a virtual position, so he wouldn’t have to leave home. He also would be able to write about and review his favorite TV shows, while getting paid $60,000 per year. His friends and family were confused as to why he turned this job down as well.
“I just couldn’t work from home,” Lacey said, exasperated. “You can’t have your work space and leisure space be the same; it would absolutely ruin the binges for me. I’d feel like I could never wind down.” He also went on to say that blogging and binging would put too much strain on his computer and there was a very high chance of it overheating.
However, Lacey did have to get a job of sorts — that $7.99-a-month Netflix subscription wasn’t going to pay itself. He got his old high school job back at a local carwash, accepting a salary of minimum wage. “A job like this lets me pick and choose my hours, allowing for the most binge time and the least amount of work possible.” Lacey enjoys this kind of work; he can pretend he’s Walter White, and he likes reminding everyone to have an A-1 Day. Since he is back at home, many are wondering how his parents are reacting to this lifestyle.
His mother, Eileen Lacey, enjoys having her son back. “It’s like he’s a baby again!” She gushed excitedly. “He just lays there and I can bring him food or comfort him when a beloved character dies. And when he’s watching Lost, he sure requires a lot of comforting.”
Eileen Lacey went on to say that it’s nice to have the company again; ever since her husband has been working more hours she barely sees him anymore. Lacey added that it’s nice to watch Lost with his mother, but she seems more interested in ogling the island hunks. “The other day I found a pro/con list she made, trying to decide between Jack and Sawyer for Kate.” All in all, Lacey is having the time of his life wasting it.
Rachel Mucha is a sophomore journalism major who has been wearing the same pair of sweatpants since 2009. You can email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.