You Know You (Don’t) Want It
Robin Thicke cleans up his act
Lent, notoriously, can be a time of great struggle and sadness. That said, a not-so-beloved celebrity took on what seemed to be an impossible task. Jerk-face billionaire playboy Robin Thicke made a bold declaration recently.
“I’m going to stop being such a gross douchebag,” Thicke said in a press release, wearing a fedora and Ray Ban sunglasses, even though it was nighttime.
Everyone was extremely skeptical, for obvious reasons, but an anonymous source delivered to my team the smoking gun. Below you will find Thicke’s personal diary, which he kept during the entirety of Lent.
Day One: I feel absolutely wonderful. A few nights ago I had the most amazing epiphany while I was tripping on acid. If I want to get Paula back, all I need to do is clean up my act! Lent provides the perfect opportunity. Oh, did I mention I found God, too? Yeah, it was right after my threesome with some half-priced hookers. Anyway, I’m all religious now (I even got a big cross tattoo!!) so for the next 40 days, I will be on my best behavior. LEGGO!
Day Two: I feel weak today. I felt much stronger yesterday. Everything was going so well until I logged onto my computer; my desktop wallpaper — one of my seven collages of Paula — stared me right in the face, and before I could even think I was in my car, ready to go stand outside of Paula’s window. When I realized what I had done, I jumped out and doused the car with the rest of my liquor. As I lit the match, I realized just what a long journey this was going to be.
Day Ten: Tonight was difficult for me. My good friend and occasional booty call Miley Cyrus invited me to a party. She promised there would be lots of drugs and twerking. I know, right? This party has my name written all over it. I was forced to decline. I didn’t know my ticket to heaven and Paula’s arms would come at such a high price.
Day Twenty-Three: Today I got an email from almost all of my favorite porn sites. “Come back, Robin,” it said. “We miss you.” They even offered me a discount for my membership next month. Did you hear that, diary? They miss me, and I miss them. Wait. I just remembered the pictures I took of Paula getting dressed last month. Those will sustain me for now.
Day Thirty: I must admit I am struggling, and today the Lord sent me my biggest test yet. I saw Paula at the grocery store!!! I was in so much shock I dove behind the bananas (hehe) so she wouldn’t see me. Man, she looked so beautiful and wonderful and irresistible. And you know what, diary? I watched her go to her car and leave, and I didn’t follow her! I didn’t break into her house or take pictures of her while she slept. Victory. Gone is every trace of her. I think I am finally clean.
Day Thirty-Seven: My good friend and occasional heroin supplier T.I. called me today.
Apparently he has an idea for another hit song about rape. Want to know the worse part, diary?
The idea did not fill me with joy as it did all those years ago. In fact, I felt nothing. Leaving T.I. hurt and confused, I told him to do the song on his own. Afterward, I threw my phone out the window into my alligator moat. If T.I. ever tries to pressure me into a song again, I’ll just have to say no and shake it off. Shake it off.
Day Thirty-Eight: In case you couldn’t tell from my last few entries, I began to listen to Taylor Swift. I thought I would give some new music a try to go with my new life. She is just fantastic. Taylor really is a beautiful woman. She is so independent and intelligent and writes wonderful songs. She actually lives close by. What if I just popped over to introduce myself and say hi? It would only take a minute and she’d have to let me in. Even if she said no, I’d know that she really means yes.
Day Thirty-Nine: Holy crap, this has to be quick. So my meeting with Taylor did not go as planned. She called the cops, things got ugly and I ran. I’m just going to keep running. Perhaps I will go back to Canada and seek shelter there. Why do all of these women in my life have to overreact?! Just let me love you! Tomorrow is Easter, maybe I will send Taylor a lovely gift basket as an apology. Goodbye for now, diary, old friend. I must leave you behind, along with my old identity. Perhaps I will revisit you next year when I try Lent again. Surely I can win over Taylor. She is my one true love, after all.
Rachel Mucha is a sophomore journalism major who is looking forward to Robin Thicke’s new album about Taylor Swift. You can email her at email@example.com.