Really Blowing Up

By | April 2nd, 2015 | Nasty, Sawdust

Obama ushers in new pro basketball team

In the fall of 2016, little-known junior varsity basketball team the Los Angeles ISISes will make the switch to pro ball, and for that Americans can thank President Barack Obama.

After facing harsh criticisms for his comments referring to the Islamic terrorist group ISIS as al-Qaeda’s “JV” team, the President said he was grossly misinterpreted. In last week’s news brief, Obama revealed the true nature of his words. He said with his new executive order, the Los Angeles ISISes — the president’s favorite underdog basketball team — will be inaugurated into the NBA two seasons from now.

Obama said the ISISes have long been an esteemed JV basketball team, one deserving of the same level of attention our country is currently giving to the big league terrorist organization of the same name.

“I know you may not have heard of the Los Angeles ISISes, like ever,” Obama said, “But they have been slowly making their way through the ranks, and a few of them even signed with the Lakers. I think it’s time they deserve a shot in the NBA.”

When asked why no one had heard about the JV team until right after Obama’s controversy, Josh Earnest, United States Press Secretary, said we were all just not paying attention.

“The Los Angeles ISISes have always been the underdog JV team in California,” Earnest said. “So much so that you all assumed the president was spouting otherwise completely ignorant nonsense, but I assure you we have things under control.”

One reporter at the brief was unconvinced, asking how the President had confused the interviewer’s question about al-Qaeda with a question about basketball. In response, president Obama asked for understanding from the press for all he has to deal with.
“It’s a very stressful time for our country — for me,” Obama said. “With ISIS conducting terrorist attacks, making threats and changing their name every two weeks. I really just wanted to decompress for a while and talk about my other endeavors, you know, on the homefront.”

Obama continued, saying the name mix up between the JV team and the extremely volatile terrorist group “was probably the reason they changed their name to ISIL in the first place.”

The team’s website, LosAngelesISISes.net, contains a full synopsis of the group, including team rosters, game photos and even information on the sex scandals of various players. According to the website, the team was founded in 1952 at Los Angeles Valley College, long before most people were born or old enough to remember such things.

Virgil Watson, head coach of LA Valley College’s other basketball team, the Monarchs, said he is excited about all the buzz the team has brought the school, although it overshadows his work with the Monarchs.

“On one hand, you got all these star athletes applying to LAVC,” Watson said. “But on the other hand you have guys on my team asking me to put in a good word with the ISISes’ recruiting team. I’ve never even met those people.”

Due to their increased popularity following Obama’s announcement, the psychotic group ISIL is seeing a decrease in applicants. This may actually slow the organization’s progress in terrorizing people all across the world.

As a result, conservatives and liberals alike are applauding the president for his newest executive order. One of his harshest critics, notoriously inaccurate news show host Bill O’Reilly, said Obama’s focus on the ISISes, rather than ISIS, is something even he can’t disagree with.

“They asked me to criticize his move as authoritarian, and only benefiting liberal elitists,” O’Reilly said. “But I couldn’t find a way to spin this against him. Everyone loves a good rags-to-riches sports story, and I think this might be the first thing that socialist did right in his presidency.”

Kobe Bryant, 17-time All-star member of the Los Angeles Lakers, said he had no idea about the ISISes either, but looks forward to seeing how they fare in the professional league.

“I’ve never even heard of these guys,” Bryant said. “No offense, but they’re gonna have to step their game up if they really wanna blow up in the Los Angeles community.”

Reports from the Pentagon show ISIL is beginning to dwindle to nothing. Leaders of the regime have failed to comment.


Tylor Colby is a junior writing major who is giving up on his dreams of joining ISIS and is trying out for the basketball team instead. You can email him at tcolby1@ithaca.edu.

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