One Can at a Time

By | April 2nd, 2015 | Nasty, Sawdust

Drunken college student attempts to save planet

Junior business major Dirk Sanders recently applied a concept that he believes has saved the world while attending a frat party in early February.

“It just made a lot of sense, and actually, it’s probably one of the most meaningful contributions I’ll ever make in my life,” he said.

After finishing one of his beers at the Alpha Kappa Crappa house, he started thinking about something that had never crossed his mind before. “I finished a beer and was like, wow. That was a great beer. I’m kind of sad that I don’t have it anymore; it was special.”

As he was relishing in his then-empty beer can, Dirk explained he decided that, instead of dropping it on the floor like he usually does, “I was going to respect it. It gave me something, and I decided that it would only be fair if I could give back in some way. So I went over to an empty green bin and dropped it in.”

An anonymous witness said at the party Dirk stopped the music in order to gather attention for his achievement. “He climbed on top of one of the couches and started jumping. And then he was like: ‘Hey dudes, I just recycled my can, so don’t worry the world’s not going to end as soon as we think! I’ve saved it, you are all welcome, be free.’” Unfortunately, the witness said people were too busy disrespecting their surroundings to actually care about Dirk recycling his beer can.

However, scientists from the Commission of Sustainable Integrity noted the green bin that the beer can was dropped off in was not single-stream, meaning that, because of Dirk’s reckless recycling, everything in the bin that could have been recycled will now be forced to sit in a landfill along with other decomposing garbage.

Don Thomas, executive director of the commission said: “We actually did a study that traced where the can would go if it was recycled correctly. It turns out that that same can would most likely be made into other beer cans, with a high likelihood of making it back into Dirk’s hands given how much beer he consumes in a week.” In any case, Dirk and his beer can prove to be very much alike: trash that can’t figure out where it belongs.

Michele Hau is a freshman culture and communications major who knows there is no thrill quite like composting. You can email her at

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  • One Comment on “One Can at a Time”

    1. don Pacis

      Congratulations Celisa on your feminist tract, a classic example of that dictum from the school of journalism: If it bleeds, it leads!

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