Remembering our nation’s greatest leader
It was the best of times, it was the actually-better-than-best of times. Children were frolicking through the streets, the evils of socialism were a distant, imperceptible threat and the hills were alive with the sound of Frank Sinatra. Truly, it was the gilded age of America — a high from which this pathetic husk of a country has yet to match. It was the era of Ronald Wilson Reagan.
It might be hard for the pinko youth of today to imagine, but before they were born, America was a bastion of wholesome values. For example: equality! Reagan didn’t discriminate, he started wars against everything! We had a cold war with the commies, a hot war with the Iranians — hell, he even started a war against drugs! And for the saps that think it’s “failed,” when was the last time you saw a drug walk the streets of America? They don’t even have a seat at the UN!
He fought tooth and nail against the Reds back in the day, and boy was that great. He didn’t deceive us into thinking it was a complicated conflict of ideologies and identities; they hated us for our freedom, and we had a duty to crush the “Evil Empire.” Here’s a lesson for any liberal morons reading this: evil is bad, and America is good.
Reaganomics was a breath of fresh air for America. I’m not really sure what was trickling down from the rich, but whatever it was was slightly rancid, viscous, and the most goddamned American thing I’ve ever felt since a bald eagle shit on my head.
Soviet sympathizers might criticize him for tripling the national debt, but they’re misunderstanding America’s international relations. It’s like the classic, all-American hero Homer Simpson and his commie wuss neighbor, Flanders — we take, and we “borrow,” and when they think they have a right to what was really ours all along, we laugh all the way home and give more guns to freedom fighters in the Middle East.
When people ask why we love Reagan, it’s tempting to look at superficial details, such as the social and economic impact he had on the country, or on how his foreign policies have shaped the modern world. Instead, let’s look at what really matters: he looks like a really nice guy. He was even an actor before he was president! I wonder how those two professions translate? In the end, he totally looked like a really sweet grandfather, and that’s what counts.
Will Uhl is a sophomore journalism major who firmly believes that every president should look at least somewhat like Droopy Dog. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.