New research shows that Walter White was not an anti-hero, just a big jerk
Warning: This article contains spoilers. If you are one of the only people on earth who have not seen Breaking Bad, get your shit together immediately.
Although award-winning show Breaking Bad ended over a year ago, people are still as obsessed with Walter White as ever. There are shrines in fans’ basements filled with posters, blue crystal bath salts and even action figures which were not purchased at Toys “R” Us because they were deemed very inappropriate. Don’t worry, Assassin’s Creed and Call of Duty are still sold there. The obsession came from the fact that Walter White was a total badass but so smart and unconventionally cool, and don’t get me wrong, I was basically the driver of the Heisenberg bandwagon. I had posters of him hanging on my walls, causing my concerned mother to wonder why I had pictures of a 58-year-old bald guy in my room. I was so in love with the show I forced my roommate to watch it, who loved it as much as I did. I mean, we quoted the show like crazy, even trying to find situations that applied perfectly. (We still are patiently waiting for the opportunity to shout, “Fuck you! And your eyebrows!”) Unfortunately, one day it dawned on me. Walter White was not some cool, misunderstood anti-hero … he was literally just a big jerk!
Okay, so first of all Jesse is Walt’s partner, like he literally couldn’t have sold one ounce of meth without him because he had all the connections, yo. And yet, Walt is the biggest meanie ever to him. He constantly calls him a moron and a junkie idiot. On one of Jesse’s old tests, Walt had written, “Ridiculous! Apply yourself!” Okay, Walt, time out. This is bringing back flashbacks from 10th grade trig; I wasn’t doing too hot, obviously, because it’s trig. Anyway, my evil teacher wrote on my test, “Reminder: Help is available after school.” I was irate! Anyway, I showed her and got a B+, so she can suck it. Unhelpful comments like that are just rude and not constructive. It just fueled my hate fire. Unfortunately for Jesse Pinkman, he did not have my ambition and had an affinity for pot, so he did not pull off a B+ in chemistry class. Anyway Walt, some people are just not naturally gifted at the sciences. You should encourage these students, not make them feel bad Mista White.
Moving on, Walt is also basically an egotist. In the last season when he’s meeting with that scary guy Declan instead of having a proper introduction like a normal person does, he demands that Declan says his name. When he guesses correctly, Walt’s all, “You’re goddamn right,” in a menacing voice. Okay, calm down sir. You could’ve said please, or maybe have been a little more light-hearted, like, “Nice guess! I think this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship! We should go to Denny’s after this!”
Killing people: another jerky move. Now, killing someone is almost always justified, but the way Walt does it is particularly butthole-y. For example, he kills Lydia via her Stevia. This is a low blow to women EVERYWHERE. Lydia was trying to fight her way up in Madrigal, proving herself day in and day out to be a powerful asset, regardless of her gender. Excuse her for being calorie conscious in order to maintain a good figure to be taken seriously by the sexist men in the business world! And don’t even get me started on poor Tio. Wheelchair-bound and incapable of speech, his bell was the only way he could communicate, and Walt killed him using that ding, ding, ding. If I were to kill someone, say a teacher who was mean to me, I would do it in the kindest way possible.
Walter White is a jerk. Not an anti-hero. This one’s for Hank.
Rachel Mucha is a sophomore journalism major who still can’t believe they effing killed Hank. I mean seriously. Now he’s stuck under some dome. Thanks, Vince Gilligan. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org