Congress is actually capable of accomplishing tasks
The accusations about the American government never getting anything done are weightless and entirely unresearched. Most people arrive at these conclusions based on polls broadcast on the nightly news. But who took these polls? Government haters and girls from Quinnipiac wearing their dumb Uggs and polos, that’s who.
Well if there’s anything I remember from Intro to Journalism, it’s that journalists serve as the fourth estate to the government and should never ever be biased. (Thanks, Mead Loop.) That said, I think it is time we put these accusations to rest and not be afraid to discuss the opposing argument — that we actually have an incredibly productive government, one whose members get up every single morning with a smile their faces, pride in their hearts, a shit ton of money in their pockets, and a mindset that says nothing but ‘cease the day.’
I reached out to one of my senators with a request to follow him around for a week to prove just how productive our government is and how much can be accomplished in seven days alone. Not only did the senator personally answer my phone call, but he agreed to my week of shadowing with an impressive enthusiasm that can only be compared to that maniac dog on the Beggin’ Strips commercial. (You know exactly what I’m talking about.) Below is just a short list of all that was accomplished that week.
1. Makes coffee, doesn’t burn it
2. Takes dog for a walk, picks up poop in eco-friendly bag
3. Contemplates legislation for Ebola protocols while simultaneously driving to the office
4. Tells intern to add pics to campaign page of the hand shaking that took place last weekend
5. Reminisces on Credit Suisse’s glory days
6. Answers phone call from fellow senator, plans golf outing
7. Googles own name
8. Gets lunch with fellow senator, complains about other party’s opinions about climate change
9. Does 25 push ups
10. Photoshops Barack’s face on Michelle’s body
11. Gives bullet points about minimum wage stance to speech writer for that thing in low-income neighborhood
12. Yells nonsense at campaign manager after watching opponents negative advertisement
13. Supports local businesses, eats dinner at diner
14. Skypes with grandchild, reconsiders stance on charter schools
15. Opens Buzzfeed app, falls asleep reading
16. Finally called the cable guy like he promised
17. Opens a beer with his eyelids
18. Opens a beer with her cleavage
19. Explains to daughter where babies come from
20. Watches Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing, contemplates that African Americans might be people
21. Upgrades home theater to BluRay
22. Learns where Israel is
23. Votes on amendment to make Grumpy Cat America’s #2 mascot
24. Finishes Parks and Rec, writes to Amy Pohler asking for a season 7 cameo
25. Downloads 1989 by Taylor Swift
The most impressive thing to note here is his ability to multi-task. For those of you who thought millennials were the ultimate multi-taskers, you thought wrong. Whether it was smoking a cigar while thinking about gun control laws or ordering a new phone case on Amazon while watching Homeland, this senator, an accurate representation of all other senators, is the purest definition of productivity, constantly thinking about things and delegating other people to do things. So next time you go about judging the government for never getting anything remember to specifically define what that means exactly and always, always, always realize that when it comes down to it, it’s the thought that counts.
Jodi Silberstein is a senior journalism major who is running her own congressional bid on the “dinosaurs are cool” platform. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.