Scientific community still unsure what antioxidants are
While conducting research for an article relating to blueberry fetishes, reporter Bill Bowler stumbled upon an interesting secret. In an interview with certified scientist Barry Smith, Ph.D., Bowler realized that the nutritional expert had no idea what an antioxidant was.
“Antioxidants are substances found in many common foods such as cranberries, blueberries, bananas, pineapples, asparagus, pecans, okra, cinnamon, strawberry-flavored Greek yogurt, horse liver, cuttlefish, shoe polish and certain types of cacti,” Smith said. “Antioxidants help to boost your immune system by destroying free radicals, which are tiny oxygen molecules in your blood.”
Smith offered no rebuttal when confronted by the fact that oxygen is beneficial to the human body and instead lost all expression in his face and stared into the reporter’s eyes while humming. After being asked if he could clarify exactly what an antioxidant is, Smith stated, “Antioxidants boost your immune system.” When it was pointed out that this was not a real answer to the question, Smith began to sway in his chair and denied the validity of the reporter’s claims. Upon further questioning, Smith began to interrupt all further questions by shouting buzzwords such as, “immune boost,” “metabolism,” and “beta carotene,” rendering any further interview impossible.
When Bowler asked other scientists what an antioxidant is, he received equally puzzling answers. One interviewed scientist told him, “Well ‘anti’ means ‘not,’ ‘oxi’ refers to clean, and ‘dant’ is a contraction of the common phrase ‘dat ant;’ so an antioxidant is a dirty arthropod.”
Another scientist replied, “They’re microscopic blueberries that feed the tiny men that operate your body.”
As the news that literally nobody knew what an antioxidant was then spread across the internet with the help of several compelling Upworthy videos, thousands asked, “Why the fuck have I been buying cranberry juice then?” In response to the minor public outrage, the world’s scientists called an emergency meeting. This pastTuesday,every scientist in the world flocked to the secret science center in the hollow core of the earth. The meeting began, as always, with the singing of the song of their people, Tom Lehrer’s “The Elements,” and with the sacrifice of a creationist to their God-King, Bill Nye, who then addressed the scientists.
“My fellow scientists, it appears that the jig is up,” Bill Nye said in between mouthfuls of creationist heart. “We, as a community, can no longer convincingly pretend to have even the faintest idea of what an antioxidant is. The lack of evidence is too substantial, the data too non- existent, the facts too made-up. It is a sad day, but the era of pretending to know what is going on must come to an end. I am actually surprised, though, that we were able to keep it up this long. We must go now into the world and admit our ignorance. It is imperative, though, that you keep pretending to know how planes and helicopters work.”
When asked what gluten is, Smith replied, “Oh wait, I know this one. It’s like bread and shit.”
Timothy Chappell is a freshman writing major who knows the secret to weight loss doctors don’t want you to know! Email him at tchappell@ithaca. edu.