Bankrupt bookstore chain plans epic comeback
One bookstore is making sure you won’t simply turn the page on their respectable run. Borders has recently announced that they will hop onto the Reading Railroad and launch a reunion tour across the country.
The tour was confirmed by new President of Borders, Casper Mars, who took over the Borders franchise in 2011 after the book giant folded into bankruptcy. Mars said that he invested five hundred dollars in a cook book publisher called Bacon Pages, which immediately soared in stock. After receiving a fortune from promptly selling his share, he spent the money on nine cheeseburgers and the entire franchise of Borders.
“I was not aware that Borders collapsed when I purchased it, in fact I meant to buy Barnes and Noble but accidentally got the two mixed up,” said Mars. To get money back for the franchise he accidentally spent all his fortune on, a tour will run through thirty-two state lines from May 4th to September 5th.
Borders will be taking a page from notable rock bands like U2 and the Rolling Stones by touring across the country. The tour will feature many exciting performances, including a reading of “Fifty Shades of Grey” by Pope Francis, a selection of the Old Testament performed by Bill Nye the Science Guy in spoken word form and a reading of Kanye West’s new 12,000 page autobiography “The Greatest Human Being to Ever Breathe on Earth” by Yeezy himself. Other events will also be at the tour including Kindle bonfire and Throw-Your-iPad-Away-And-Buy-Books-Instead Toss.
In addition to the tour, there will be a Kickstarter campaign that will last throughout its duration. Every $5 contributed gives the donator a signed thank-you note, $10 gets them a post-it note with an apology from George R.R. Martin for every favorite character he kills, $25 gives them a photo-op with Sherlock Holmes, $50 a mockingjay, and $100 or more gives them a free book. What book do they get you may ask? According to Mars, everyone who contributes at least 100 dollars gets a random book to keep things exciting. “You can collect them all, just like Pokemon!”
Mars has announced that there are other fundraising strategies if these first two ideas do not work out. “If the tour and the Kickstarter do not raise enough funds for our store, we are prepared to start selling Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans, offering vacation packages to Narnia, vampire face-painting, and we may even host some Bingo nights.” Indeed, this summer looks to be an exciting time for readers, and the story of Mars and his beloved band of Borders is sure to be a page-turner!
Chris Thomas is a sophomore TV-R major who would rather see his professor speak at Buffalo Street Books. Email him at cthomas5[at]ithaca.edu.