Justin Bieber finally held accountable for his actions
Justin Bieber was recently pulled over in Miami, Fl. He was reportedly going 90 down the freeway when he passed a police officer. When the good-looking teen rolled down the window, the officer asked if he knew how fast he was going. Officer Crocksmull of the Miami Police Department reported that Beiber’s reply was, “um, look at my hair, bro.” Confused, Officer Crocksmull smelled liquor on the breath of the young pop star and asked him to get dressed and step out of the stretch Mini Cooper. Bieber did so reluctantly, after taking a sip from one of the two bottles of whipped cream-flavored vodka he had seat-belted in on the passenger side.
Unfortunately for Justin, the officer did not allow him to “drop it low” as an alternative to walking in a straight line. The singer was held overnight in jail and was apparently, “not provided with TempurPedic pillows.” He was charged with DUI and driving over the speed limit, as well as possession of marijuana and driving with an open container.
On the morning after his arrest, Beliebers from all over Florida, and the surrounding states, were waiting outside the Miami jail for their hero. We were lucky enough to talk to a few of them. Ali M. from Missouri said she found the arrest, “Stupid. It was a stupid arrest.” One young woman from Connecticut had, according to her, grown her hair to full body length, shaved it off, and is now weaving a life-size statue of Bieber. “It’s going to be my furry Justin,” she said. Another young lady said she is prepared to undergo surgery so she can offer her frontal lobe to the pop star. We asked her if she thought this might help him refrain from making decisions like stripping naked, strapping 16 cats to his body, and walking through a Tampa Bay nursing home, shouting, “How you like me now, bitches?” The innocent Belieber replied, “I don’t know. I just want my brain in his brain.”
The sentence is still being handed down, but Bieber’s upcoming tour is expected to be canceled. His new documentary, “Fifty Shades of Justin,” has been put on hold. If all this wasn’t enough, the star’s ex, Selena Gomez, is suing him for custody of their jointly owned bunny rabbit.
The young pop-star is at his wit’s end. With the prospect of a long probation ahead of him, losing Mr. Tickles has put Justin over the edge. Bieber’s lawyer has informed us that his client is thinking of taking a break from the spotlight and has bought a guitar. He has already learned a few chords and has mastered “American Idiot” by Green Day. With a little luck and a little less marijuana, Justin hopes to one day be able to play one of his own songs.
Jeremy Robson is a sophomore writing major who’s out $100 for those tickets he bought. Email him at jrobson1[at]ithaca.edu