The Studio is for Porn

By | March 6th, 2014 | Issues, Magazine, Sawdust, Sex

Ithaca College offers stunning new major

The Park School is proud to present its newest major to Ithaca College: pornography. Head of Obscure Majors Clark Heathenstein said that he cannot wait to see the films the students create, for scientific reasons of course. The major was approved when a group of alumni met last Tuesday to unanimously welcome the major into existence. On his way out of the conference room, one of the alumni was in deep conversation with another about the excellent storytelling of True Blood.

Many students are enjoying the new opportunity. Todd Hoffer said that he has been relishing the opportunity to create his own type of film ever since he was inspired by James Van Der Beek’s character on Dawson’s Creek. “After watching Dawson I realized I wanted to create films when I grew up. I chose pornography for scientific reasons of course.” When he started discussing his film ideas, the teachers “didn’t really get” his concept, and did not allow him to film on school property.

Now a freshman at Park, Hoffer and fellow aspiring porn producers can create the wildest films of their dreams. Under the helpful guidance of professor Burke Fitz, students can concentrate in three specific areas: mainstream, artistic and fetishes. Fitz has been a porn director for 11 years, creating Woody Award-winning films such as Forrest Hump, The Curious Case of Benjamin’s Button and Foreplay: A Musical.

Fitz’s main goal for the major is to change porn as we know it, for the better. Better actors, better plot points and most importantly more porn. His classes will include Intro to Foreplay, Mathematics: 1 to 69 and ASMR: The Art of Eargasms. If the major is a success, schools such as Syracuse University and Emerson College may begin incorporating the program into their communications schools.

Not everyone is sold on the porn major however. “I drove all the way from California to protest about my daughter’s recent interest in the porn major,” yelled Gertrude Stravinsky, mother of Clarice Stravinsky who has gone by the nickname Amber Vanilla for the past two years.

Gertrude claims that Vanilla was a straight-A student who recently started training for the exotic dancing club and was on a good track until Ithaca College came around. “When she heard about the porn program, she immediately put all her morals aside and did what her heart wanted.” Some church-going parents claim that porn is not the Christian way. Some atheist parents claim that porn is not the atheist way either.

When all is said and done, the newest porn majors hope to prove their parents wrong. “I can’t wait to act in my first film this fall,” Vanilla told Sawdust. “Once I show my parents, they’ll be proud of how hard I worked for this!”
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Chris Thomas is a sophomore TV-R major who doesn’t need a degree to follow his [wet] dreams. Email him at cthomas5[at]ithaca.edu.

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  • One Comment on “The Studio is for Porn”

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