Sex Horoscopes

By | March 6th, 2014 | Issues, Magazine, Prose & Cons, Sex

Find out how to change yourself so you’re sexier

Aries aries Kopie
People always complain you’re too aggressive – little do they know, you’re boring as hell in the sack. Seriously, your army-like way of dealing with people doesn’t mean you always have to stick to missionary. Spice it up this month! Channel your inner ram and thrust yourself violently into your suitor until it feels good.

Taurus Thaurus Kopie
Your moody disposition can make your sexual encounters unpredictable – and not in a good way. One second you’re DTF, the next you’re in the fetal position cuddling a box of Franzia and crying over the ~one that got away~. Use it to your advantage! Use your tears as lube.

Gemini Gemini Kopie
Hot twins should be a sexy fantasy, but your dual-edged nature just leaves everyone confused. You say you just want a non-committal fling, but then mid-orgasm you’re screaming “I LOVE YOU” and on the verge of proposing. Keep your cool and try out role playing – then you can wear a wedding veil and not apologize for it.

Cancer Cancer Kopie
You have crabs.

Leo Leo Kopie
You’re all about domination – if your last sexual encounter didn’t involve handcuffs, whipped cream, and a full-on gimp suit, you’re doing it wrong. This time let your partner take control – put tape over your mouth and shut the fuck up for once.

Virgo Virgo Kopie
You’ve got a stick up your ass, and not the good kind. Stop planning and analyzing every aspect of your sex life and have fun! Take your top off, have sex with a stranger and don’t use protection (kidding… kind of). Live, love, YOLO.

Libra Libra Kopie
You’re known as the epitome of balance, but your sex life is definitely off-kilter this month. Believe it or not, masturbation does NOT count as “getting some.” Time to be social and have an adult sleepover! Get your hands out of your pants and your ass to a party.

Scorpio Scorpius Kopie
You are a revengeful son of a bitch. Normally this makes you completely painful to be around, but in the bedroom this can actually be helpful! Bed your enemy, and right before you’re about to get it on, stand up and leave. That’ll show ‘em.

Sagittarius Sagittarius Kopie
You’re fearless, which is probably why you never make it to the second date. You’re way too eager to share your kinky and downright nasty preferences. Instead of pouring hot wax on an unsuspecting blind date, try not to go past first base. On the second date, ravish them with your weirdness.

Capricorn Capciconznns Kopie
You seem really introverted, but actually it’s because you’re so damn narcissistic that you don’t need actual human interaction. Well, you’re in luck! Go under your covers and try out some new porn sites. Then, become a sex addict, never leave your bed and become the star of a new TLC special.

Aquarius aquarius Kopie
You may share a namesake with an iconic song from the musical Hair, but that doesn’t give you license to completely ignore personal grooming. Seriously, your pubes are practically seeping out of your too-tight undergarments. I know this is a sex column, but your fashion sense is so shitty that you should probably reconsider all of your choices up to this point.

Pisces pisces Kopie
You’re incredibly artistic and open-minded, you kinky hussy. One day you’re painting your lover with sex chocolate, the next you’re orchestrating an orgy with the high school’s marching band. Keep doing you, you wild sex beast.
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Francesca Toscano is a senior IMC major who just wants you to have the best sex ever. Email her at ftoscan1[at]ithaca.edu.

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