Match Me if you Can

By | March 6th, 2014 | Issues, Magazine, Sawdust, Sex

Man discovers online girlfriend is actually Tom Hanks

Is it forbidden love, like Romeo and Juliet? Or is it, well, something else? Norman “Moonslayer2342” Framingham, 23, thought his relationship with virtual girlfriend, “YouveGotMale69” is a love story for the ages. According to Framingham, “YouveGotMale69 is real and she is my girlfriend. What we have is real.” 

“YouveGotMale69” and Norm met through the online game World of Terror Pro.

“I knew I was in love when she defeated Orazag, the evil troll as he was about to destroy me with his hammer of eternal darkness. We’re pretty much soulmates. It’s the best and longest relationship I’ve ever had. Real females just stick me in the friendzone. ‘YouveGotMale69’ is the only gal for me,” said Framingham. “It’s getting pretty serious. We’re going to meet soon.”

Unfortunately, Framingham didn’t realize that he was catfished by none other than popular film actor and America’s sweetheart Tom Hanks. Mr. Hanks was caught by TMZ playing “World of Terror Pro” on his hot neon pink, bedazzled Macbook Pro in a Beverly Hills Starbucks under the pseudonym “YouveGotMale69.” 

A transcription of their conversation reveals some torrid details:
YouveGotMale69: Hey, baby, I can make u ‘Big (1988)’ 
Moonslayer2342: Lol yea. Bet u defiantly can. ;) It’s so nice to meet a nice girl like u. Got pics?
YouveGotMale69: If ur Turner, i’ll be ur hooch lol
YouveGotMale69: Are u Buzzed? Cuz u give me a Woody ;)
Moonslayer2342: U mean u give me 1??? lol ur the chick. 
YouveGotMale69: R u a mermaid? bc I’ll be ur Captain (Phillips) 
YouveGotMale69: they call me lieutenant dan bc I have magic legs lol.
YouveGotMale69: uhhhh yea sure hahaha did i tell u i was in ‘sleepless in seattle??’
Moonslayer2342: word? lol what r u wearing?

“Yeah, so it turns out ‘YouveGotMale69’ was actually Tom Hanks,” Framingham said. “I should have guessed. He kept making these weird references to his movies, saying things like calling himself ‘Big,’ or ‘Woody,’ or ‘I was in Sleepless in Seattle.’ You know, weird double-entendres like that. I’m pretty disappointed. He said his name was Jenny Gump, which I now realize is one of the main characters from Forrest Gump. Damn it. Still, I guess it is a little bit cool. How many other people can say they were involved in a whirlwind romance with America’s sweetheart, Tom Hanks?” 

Hanks has been unavailable for comment, but was reportedly seen in a black hoodie at a pharmacy purchasing a card for a three-month subscription to the World of Terror Pro site. ?
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Caitlin Vetere is a sophomore TV-R major who is lookin for love on all the wrong websites. Email her at cvetere1[at]ithaca.edu.

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