I’ll Take You to the Sandwich Shop

By | March 6th, 2014 | Issues, Magazine, Prose & Cons, Sex

Desperate college student buys condoms from Sub Connection

Late this Thursday evening, employees at campus sandwich shop/convenient store, Sub Connection, reported that someone had finally purchased a pack of condoms from the store. According to reports, this was the first time anyone has ever bought condoms from Sub Connect. Debbie Anders, 22, was working the night of the historic purchase. “I’ve been working here for 2-and-a-half years and no one has ever bought condoms,” she said. “I have no idea how long these have been here. I really hope they haven’t expired.” Debbie went on to claim that, “Nothing says ‘I had no idea I’d be having sex tonight, more than buying condoms from a campus sandwich place.”

The purchase was made by Nathan Gennings, a socially awkward computer science major. “He was super out of breath and looked really excited and nervous when he came in,” explained Debbie. “After I rang him up, I said ‘have a nice night’ and he said ‘oh, I will’ and then winked at me,” she said, continuing, “It was disgusting.”

According to the awkward freshman, who before Thursday had previously had sex one and a half times, he had recently begun texting back and forth with a girl from his personal essay class named Miranda. Gennings explained that Miranda asked if he wanted to “hang out and watch Netflix or whatever. And whatever! And whatever,” Gennings explained. “I should have known she wanted the D!” he shouted loudly in the library where this interview took place. He continued, “when she asked to hang out, I thought maybe we’d make out or do some hand stuff. I never thought we’d actually ‘do the deed’!” Nathan said, using an embarrassingly outdated euphemism for sex.

About thirty minutes into that terrible Friday Night Lights episode where Landry kills a guy, they began to hook up. Nathan was surprised when things progressed and Miranda said those magic words: “do you have a condom?” It was this that prompted Nathan to run down to Sub Connect, not before pressing pause on Friday Night Lights to “save the mood.”
Nathan returned to Sub Connect later that night to get a victory chicken BLT. Witnesses noted that he looked decidedly smug.

In a hopefully unrelated story, the first purchase of a home pregnancy test was just reported at Mac’s.
Katie Talay is a senior TV-R major who would have at least gone to the Health Center for free condoms. Email her at ktalay1[at]ithaca.edu.

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