Have No Shame

By | March 6th, 2014 | Issues, Magazine, Sawdust, Sex

The entire female population goes crazy for Michael Fassbender’s penis

Michael Fassbender: the only name that can make women orgasm with just one mention. If you are unfamiliar with the 6-foot-1, 36-year-old Irish/German actor with the piercing blue eyes, adorable ginger beard, beautifully sculpted body and large penis, then you are really missing out. Not only is Fassbender (fondly referred to as “Fassy” by his adoring obsessive fans) a brilliant actor, he is the unofficial sexiest man on the planet; however, he has never been bestowed People magazine’s top honor. Rumor has it Adam Levine and Fassy were both considered for the Sexiest Man Alive issue this past year, but Michael was disqualified for being too sexy. Levine of course denies the rumors, and various investigative reporters have given him a slight break with this; they figure that he has already fallen far enough with those Proactiv commercials. “We’ll just let Adam do his thing,” ABC World News reporter Christiane Amanpour stated a few days after the issue was announced. “He has been embarrassed enough.”

So what started this epidemic of Fassbender Fever? None other than Steve McQueen’s 2011 film, Shame. The movie centers around a man named Brandon (Fassbender) who has lots of sex and walks around naked all the time. This film has faced many harsh criticisms, being described as “overly sexual” and “basically just porn.” However, it won over the Hollywood Foreign Press Association* and Fassy was nominated for a Golden Globe. The controversial movie created enough buzz that thousands of underage girls were sneaking into the theater to see the NC-17 flick. During observations, as the girls were exiting the theater, they heard almost all of them repeating the same thing: “I have never been so sure that I am straight in my entire life.”

It turns out these reactions were not limited to teenage girls. After more research, it was discovered that women everywhere had the exact same response. Fassbender Fever didn’t even stop there. There were reports that thousands of lesbian and bisexual women were declaring that they now preferred men, more specifically, men who have a penis like Michael Fassbender’s. Though the movie was released three years ago, the Fever is still as rampant as ever. Mindy Kaling has made dozens of references to Michael’s penis on her show The Mindy Project. As a matter of fact, women have been talking about his penis so much that Michael made a plea for the entire female population to stop being so obsessed with him. In an article entitled “Michael Fassbender Wishes People Would Stop Talking About His Penis Already,” Fassy discusses how it makes him uncomfortable and he desperately wants women to stop objectifying him. Oh, Michael, what a tease; the man does a two-hour film completely naked and then demands silence. Regardless of Michael’s feeble attempts, his penis will surely remain a permanent topic of conversation for the next hundred years. As of now, there is no foreseeable cure for Fassbender Fever.

*It may be worthwhile pointing out that during that year, the HFPA was comprised of 12 women and seven gay men. It is unknown whether this at all affected Michael’s nomination.
Rachel Mucha is a freshman journalism major who is petitioning the FCC to allow Michael Fassbender to appear nude in every film. Ever. Email her at rmucha1[at]ithaca.edu.

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