Sponsored by the National Security Agency
Hi folks, this your local NSA agent, (NAME REDACTED) here. I’d rather not reveal my name for security purposes, but just remember: I am not a spy. I repeat: NOT a spy. Anyway, I’d like to give you some helpful tips to guarantee your safety when you browse the great frontier that is the Internet. This advice will keep you safe online no matter what shifty Craigslist listing you click on. (Side note: I could have sworn ‘happy ending’ was the name of an ice cream sundae.) Trust me, I’m an expert…not a spy. Anyway, here are the tips:
- Make sure you enable all cookies. We realize that you probably have no idea what cookies are. We’re not really sure what this means either, but just do it. It really sounds like it will work, doesn’t it? Calling whatever these are “cookies” makes them sound really neat, so they have got to be important. Cookies are always important.
- Keep your webcam on AT ALL TIMES! It’s for your own safety. What if a burglar broke into your home? A webcam could see the criminal! If you keep your webcam on, the police can come and rescue you right away. Plus, a great opportunity for a selfie can arise at any moment, so it’s best to be prepared.
- Save all of your passports to everything in multiple places; email them to yourself, put them in a Facebook note, on your embarrassing Tumblr account that I definitely have not seen (A Jonas Brothers blog? Come on, they broke up. Get over it), on the wall behind you facing your webcam in huge letters. If you lose a password, you can never EVER get it back, trust us, we’ve checked, so saving it in multiple, easy-to-find places will be extremely beneficial to you, nickjonasluvr69, I mean, reader.
- Have you ever seen those ads on questionable websites that say: “Congratulations! You’re the one-millionth visitor! You’ve won a free Apple iPad™!” Those are totally legit. Click on all of them. They are not spyware- trust me on this one. I’m not a spy, so I would know not-spyware when I see it. Or don’t see it. Bonus tip: The Prince of Nigeria has a check waiting for you. I hear it’s a hefty inheritance!
- Make sure you give out your full name, address, phone number, cell phone number, work phone number, mother’s maiden name, social security number, and a photo of yourself to anyone on the Internet, especially 4chan, who asks you for them. The Internet is about making connections, and you could just make a lifelong friend (who, like me, is NOT a spy.)
If you make sure you pay close attention to these tips, it will make your internet experience so much more enjoyable. What’s more fun than sharing all of your information with a company that lets you run a virtual farm on Facebook? I sure can’t think of anything.
(PS, Your high score on Candy Crush is totally weak.)
Caitlin Vetere is a sophomore TV-R major who waits in the Apple store for people who forget to log off Facebook. Email her at cvetere1[at]ithaca.edu.