Wal-Mart security cameras prove to have nationwide entertainment value
When Sam Walton first opened Wal-Mart’s signature blue doors in 1962, he had absolutely no idea that his wholesale retailer would become the Jenna Maroney of showbiz. For 51 years since its birth, Wal-Mart Stores Inc. has mistakenly overlooked its brilliant entertainment opportunities; whether it is a heart-wrenching family feud, long lost lovers reuniting, a mother going into labor or a bratty teenager trying to purchase condoms and bagged wine. A substantial amount of profound human activity occurs in Wal-Mart on a daily basis, and valuable megabytes of captivating security footage are discarded after only six months. Finally, TLC is broadcasting these quality moments that so often go unseen by the public.
Maury, human disposition expert and educational talk show host has already begun filming season one in Casper, Wyo.’s Wal-Mart Superstore, and premiered its first episode Friday night. According to Nielsen, “A-Wal’s” ratings are astronomical, as it is currently the most-watched backcountry reality show on television.
Jaznelle Scarlet, a local avid Wal-Mart goer is a consistent character on “A-Wal,” and is delighted about Hollywood’s presence in Casper.
“Y’all are as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party,” Scarlet gushed to reporters, after offering them some of her famous mountain lion casserole. Scarlet is a 103-year-old woman who lives alone with her pet squirrel, Crystal, and reportedly “always brings her credit cards and sass on her regular Wal-Mart outings.” It is expected that Jaznelle will thrive on the show as a favorite character, often giving distressed middle-aged women intimacy tips, while taking her aggression out on young blond boys she refers to as “hooligans” and “bad kitties.”
Unlike Scarlet’s enthusiasm for Maury’s cameras in Casper, there are a number of locals who are not handling the camera presence with such ecstasy. Longtime Casper resident and regular Wal-Mart loiterer, Aggressive Moose #1, has not responded well to “A-Wal’s” camera crew. Thus far, three reporters have been trampled, and one cameraman had his sandwich stolen.
Unfortunately, nobody was able to get a word from this ill-mannered moose, but regular shoppers are shocked by his recent hostility. Aggressive Moose #1 is supposedly generally quite welcoming, and loves a good belly rub on the way into the store. As of now, nonetheless, the “A-Wal” crew is steering clear of the impolite creature.
According to Maury, viewers should be ready “to learn how to skin a possum, and to see what it looks like to fight a great-grandmother with switchblades for hands.” “A-Wal” has already been awarded Most Educational Back Country Television Program and Sassiest Dialogue of the year by Entertainment Weekly. This new hit is sure to touch the hearts of both Wal-Mart and Tractor Supply Store goers alike.
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Lizzy Rosenburg is a sophomore IMC major who is starting her own Toddlers & Tiaras fan club. Email her at erosenb3[at]ithaca.edu.