Divorcee uses position at NSA for Vengeance
On Thursday, Tammie Fae, a mother of two, received a phone call at 5 a.m. On the other end of the line was Delores Schmidt, a recent divorcee and professional wire tapper with the National Security Agency (NSA). Schmidt proceeded to inform Fae that her husband, Johnny Joweler had been making phone calls of an erotic nature to another woman.
Turns out Tammie Fae was just one of the many wives Schmidt would inform of their husbands’ cheating ways. Buzzsaw was able to sit down with Delores Schmidt and investigate why ratting out cheating husbands has become her new mission.
“My husband, Art, he’s the scum of the earth,” she said as she lit her fifth cigarette, petting the Persian cat in her lap. “Fifty years we was married,” she exclaimed, “come to find out he’s been sleeping with the girl who used to cat sit our little Fluffy!”
Arthur Schmidt allegedly extended his affair for two years of the marriage. Delores described herself as “extremely verklempt” upon these revelations. According to Dolores, it was time to seek vengeance.
“I was watching ‘The O’Reilly Factor’ like I do every night after ‘Wheel of Fortune,’” she said, “And I heard about that Edward Snowden guy and how he could listen in to phone calls, or whuteva.”
Schmidt explained that this news opened her eyes to her new life mission: “The way I see it is this: if we’re not gonna have our privacy anyways, I may as well rat out all the cheatin’ bastards like Artie so these young girls don’t end up like me: old, wrinkly and alone.”
According to Schmidt, she received her job at the NSA with relative ease; she was the only applicant willing to recite the pledge of allegiance with no breaks for the six-hour interview process. She got the job and the rest is history.
President Obama, eager to save his reputation amidst the NSA scandal, commended Schmidt’s actions in a press conference last month.
“Today, we gather here to celebrate a woman who understands American values,” Obama said. “While all the non-patriots have tried to condemn our surveillance, Delores Schmidt has done the American thing by seeking opportunity and seizing it to serve the greater good.” With beads of sweat on his forehead and a tremor in his voice he added, “If that’s not justification, then what is?”
Indeed, the women Schmidt has come into contact with are eager to sing their praises. Gloria Rhodes is one of the first women that Schmidt called.
“I was absolutely flabbergasted,” said Rhodes. “But I’m so grateful to Mrs. Schmidt, I was able to divorce my husband Mitch and keep the BMW.”
Schmidt is very proud of her work and is proud to cite former republican president George H. W. Bush as her inspiration.
“All my friends who knows me knows I love the Bush doctrine,” Schmidt said between wheezy smoker coughs, “and I says, if pre-emptive strike can work in Iraq, why can’t it work with cheatin’ lazy bastards?”
To date, Schmidt has ratted out a total of 65 cheating husbands, and she has every intention of continuing.
“I think I’m a pioneer,” she said, “because now I can invade ya privacy and help ya get ya life together.”
It would appear that much of the world agrees, with news coming out of Norway that Schmidt will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. A representative of the Nobel Prize Committee lauded that “Schmidt will now go down in history as the true American hero she is.”
Timothy Bidon is a senior Journalism major who changed the spelling of his last name because he’s embarrassed by his Grandpa Joe. Email him at tbidon1[at]ithaca.edu.