Deconstructing the newest letter from Ithaca College President Tom Rochon
If you’re like me, you’re one of the twelve people who took the time to thoroughly read Tom Rochon’s newest, newsiest newsletter to students regarding the rising prices of college tuition. Some of you may have been confused by some of the things that President Rochon was referencing in this letter. But fear not, for you are not alone.
For everyone’s benefit, I’d like to take a moment of my time to act as a translator and try to better help the general student body to understand President Rochon’s intended message.
ROCHON: “Welcome to campus, or back to campus for the 2013-2014 academic year!”
TRANSLATION: “I can’t make it any more clear. NONE of you are living in hotels. Just let it go.”
TOM: “Concern about the high cost of college is widespread these days, and for good reason”
TRANSLATION: “We have all of your money, but we’re just as concerned about your savings account as you are. Wait…did you just deposit $40? What a coincidence, new Latin textbooks are $40.”
TOMMY BOY: “We have based much of our decision-making on our commitment to reduce the annual rate of tuition, room and board cost increases to approximately the rate of inflation, with a near term goal of less than 3 percent.”
TRANSLATION: “So, basically, we’re…umm…doing this thing where we try to lessen the increased price of going to school here. So we’re still jacking up the prices every year, but that increased price is still less than it could be. You’re welcome.”
MR. T: “To reach the goal of reducing annual increases…we must find some combination of alternative revenue or expenditure savings in the amount of approximately $1.5million.”
TRANSLATION: And you thought Campus Center’s food used to be gross.
TOMMY THE PINBALL WIZARD: “…The key changes we have made involve…reorganizing the staff and operating hours of the Hammond Health Center in order to increase both efficiency and the availability of services to students during the peak demand times.”
TRANSLATION: “We finally figured out that the whole campus gets sick at the same time, so we’ll only be open once every two weeks. Suck it up and take some damn vitamin C.”
CAPTAIN ITHACA: “As announced earlier this summer, one measure involves uniting the Physical Therapy program on the Ithaca Campus.”
TRANSLATION: “PT majors may be getting screwed, but how about that Park school, huh? How great is that place, am I right?”
THE RULER OF EVERYTHING COLLEGIATE: “We will be meeting with representatives of the Student Government Association to further discuss our plans…”
TRANSLATION: “…But we will ultimately listen to approximately 0% of what they say. Hey, have you guys heard this new song “blurry lines”? It’s pretty catchy.”
TOM “I’M PROBABLY GOING TO CENSOR THIS” ROCHON: ”I wish you all a wonderful and productive year as IC students.”
TRANSLATION: “Please don’t be screw-ups this year. We can’t afford it.”
Hopefully my translations have helped you to understand the vernacular of our college president and can be referenced the next time Mr. Rochon decides to write a letter. I, for one, only wish that it was an event that occurred more often.
Sam Colleran is a sophomore TV-R major who didn’t really want to stay at IC anyway. Email him at email@example.com.