Barely hits double digits
A lot of people been coming up to me recently saying, “J, you’re 43 years old, you got a beautiful wife and a gorgeous baby girl and you’re one of the richest dudes I know. No way you still got 99 problems.”
Well they’re wrong. I still got 99 problems, and I’m ‘bout to write down every single one just to prove to all the haters out there that even Hova has a few things that he ain’t happy with. First and foremost, I would like to state that a bitch has never and will never be one of my problems. With that in mind, if you think I’m referring to Beyonce as a…as a B-word right here in this article, you got even more problems coming to you than I do. Now on to the first one.
1 Beyonce doesn’t like my nicknames for her. I thought “Roly-poly-Knowley” was kinda cute.
2 President Obama won’t let me be the Minister of Swag. I love the man, but that is literally the only reason I campaigned for him. We both know Ol’ Man Romney don’t even know what swag is.
3 I wasn’t cast as Kingsley Shacklebolt in the Harry Potter movies. They won’t even let me do the voice in the audiobooks…
4 Kanye has separation anxiety. Dude really needs to learn the meaning of personal space. He hid an extra baby monitor in Blue Ivy’s room so “Uncle Yeezy” could comfort my own daughter before I could. I’m pretty sure he’s living in our pantry.
5 I’m worried that Blue Ivy is gonna be more famous than me. She’s beautiful, she’s funny, and she’s already gettin’ music lessons from Paul McCartney and John Legend.
6 Sometimes Beyonce lip-syncs her orgasms. To be fair, she’s always wearing an earpiece, so it sounds real.
7 I invented swag, not Justin Beiber. I don’t know how many times I have to make that clear.
8 I wasn’t invited to the Super Bowl. At all. I watched it on my couch with like 70 bags of Doritos and the slacklining Jew-fro guy from Madonna’s halftime show.
9 I really hate what comes up on Google when you search for “is Jay-Z…” The top suggestions are “…in the illuminati,” “a Satanist,” and “dead.” I’m only 1/3 of those things, guys. C’mon.
10 My smallest source of income is from the Brooklyn Nets. I make more money selling personal bobbleheads than I do from a professional basketball team.
99 I forgot what my real name is. For real though, if you know, come find me immediately, I can’t access my bank accounts anymore.
Alright. I been here for a while now and I’m drawing a blank on those other 88 problems. No matter. I’ll just fly over to Europe to drop off Blue Ivy at daycare, maybe make myself some Horchata to get my brain juices flowing, then come back to finish off the rest. Y’all hold tight and Hova will be back before you can say “11 number one albums.” Peace.
Sam Colleran is a freshman TVR major who doesn’t give a shit whether or not you’re having girl problems, son. Email him at scoller1[at]ithaca[dot]edu.