Have you ever walked home from campus after 11pm on a weeknight?
If you have, you know there’s a change that takes place. The winds shift and there’s a light layer of fog on the ground. That’s when you know that they have awoken from their daytime slumber, ready to terrorize the students of South Hill like the bloodthirsty gang they are.
Who am I referring to you ask? THE DEER MAFIA.
Don’t laugh. This isn’t a fucking joke. The deer on this campus are out of control and it’s time we joined together to show them that their scare tactics won’t work on us.
Let me tell you a story.
Last semester a friend and I were walking through the field behind to a party, when we accidentally encountered a mob of deer hiding in the darkness. By the time we saw them it was too late. We were too close. You see, deer don’t care if it was “an honest mistake.” Deer don’t accept apologies. When nighttime rolls around, Ithaca turns into DEER MAN’S LAND. If you’re in their territory, they’re going to fuck up your shit.
We stop in our tracks and the leader of this deer version of the Crips gives us a death glare, his eyes turning a blood red. He dug his hooves (perfect for bashing in heads) into the dirt and fucking charged. We screamed in bloody terror, sprinting as fast we could, our panicked minds realizing that our obituaries would say we were “KILLED BY A CHARGING DEER.”
Another time I was walking home from campus after midnight and found myself within five feet of a huge-ass buck right outside Park, looking me up and down. I kept my nose down that time, eyes pointed forward and never stopped moving. I exhaled a sigh of relief that I had gotten away, but it was premature because a doe was waiting for me in the shadows by the Hudson Heights apartments.
You don’t think they’re not all working together? You’re wrong. Here’s the thing about deer: THEY’RE ALWAYS WATCHING. They’re keeping tabs on us until they decide the time is right to rise up, conquer us, and establish DEER WORLD.
If you’re not ready to start a militia and take these bitches down, then you’re on their side and I don’t trust you. In the meantime, sleep with one eye open and DEER GOD, pray that they show you some mercy.