Coin and silly band collectors at serious risk
Leading psychologists have just announced that seemingly innocuous behaviors, such as flipping through old photo albums once a day, could be early stages of Collectingum Uselesscraposis, better known as hoarding.
Research Psychologist Mick Webster said, “We have found many warning symptoms of Collengum Uselesscraposis occuring all around us, without anyone noticing,” Webster said. “And by the time you do, you’re swimming in a world of cat feces and used tissues.”
Reported symtoms include: “saving” up coins to cash at TD Bank, making playlists on your iPod, having a stamp collection, owning a series of related movies (like the Rogers and Hammerstein boxed set you just had to have), compulsive “liking” on Facebook, having a Platinum membership to DSW, waiting until your garbage bin overflows to take out the trash (and the list goes on).
These totally legit psychologists believe that Collengum symptoms could appear as early as six years old. Psychologists studied a handful of children coming out of a local Dollar Store in order to see if the silly band epidemic is still going strong. Five year old Cindy was taken aside and asked about the 50 or so silly bands on her arm, and if she would like to own all these animals for real someday.
“Yes!” Cindy said, “I like animals and I wanna have a pony and a kitty and a monkey and a birdie and a dinosaur!”
Research shows that children who collect silly bands are 34 percent more likely to hoard animals than children who don’t (there is no evidence that this applies to children who collect Barbie dolls or actions figures, though studies have shown that these kids do have a tendency to surround themselves with superficial and shallow people later in life).
There have been multiple studies that report other cases of these so called “collectors.” Scientists worry that the Pokemon epidemic of 1999 spawned grounds for countless untreatable future hoarders. And if Cindy’s intentions weren’t clear enough, we sat down with leading psychologist, Dr. L. Otto Stufz to get his opinion.
“We must teach children to let go of their memories and possessions so we can rid the world of this disgusting disease. Parents can start in the home. I for one sat my children down and threw their Beanie Babies into a fire pit and watched them burn. That’s the example we should be setting for our children.”
Stufz also weighed in that even seemingly innocent childhood films can influence the hoarding phenomenon, citing the Disney classic The Little Mermaid as evidence. After all, what are her “treasures untold” but a collection of useless garbage taking up valuable space and sabotaging her chance of a normal life? “So send in your saved up coins and save yourself. Otherwise, you may wind up confused and alone, except for the 30 cats, 17 dogs, 24 parakeets, 57 gerbils, and God knows how many mice,” Stifz said.
Rachel Maus is a freshman cinema & photography major who doesn’t care what anyone says, she’s keeping her souvenir shot glass collection. Email her at rmaus1[at]ithaca[dot]edu