President seeks to emulate game’s never-ending supply of goods
Along with freaking out over gay marriage and contraception, right-wing Republicans have expressed outrage over Obama’s latest attempt to decrease the economic crisis: a new mandate that requires all members of Congress create and maintain a World of Warcraft account and figure out how to make it’s economic system of unlimited supply and demand work in real life.
“We must examine all options,” the President said in an address the other day. “As I said before, I will take no options off the table in dealing with Iran…I mean, the economy.”
Members of the FBI and Gamestop hosted an information session on Wow, the online multiplayer virtual alternate world where players create a unique avatar and select a “realm” in which to enter. Due to the high security of this operation a new, super secret realm has been added that only Congressmen can enter using a secret online handshake before they continue onto completing the never-ending series of quests and collecting as much stuff as they can.
Joe Biden, vice president and current highest-ranking player in the Congressional League, insisted, “the mandate is not just all fun and games; the President has spared no expense in the latest training software, and has employed game experts to oversee the operation.”
One such expert includes Johnny “TuffNutz” McGee who, at age 11, is chief of the new Department of Warcraft-Economic Retaliation. Obama believes that in creating such a department, the administration will be able to effectively work their way up in the rankings and discover the secret to unlocking unlimited supplies in real life before the Japanese figure it out first.
Yet, as with anything the President attempts to do, there have been strong words of opposition coming from the right. In response to the new action, Bill O’Reilly spoke out on his show, warning viewers that this seemingly ideal system is just the beginning of a very “red” future. The red, of course, representing communism.
“What will this lead to next?” O’Reilly asked. “It is not so crazy to predict a future in which aspiring Pokemon Masters such as myself will never be able to leave the cruel clutches of Pallet Town, and will never see our young Pocket Monsters evolve.”
Republicans agree, this prospect concerns many Americans, and not just stoned teenagers who just found their old Gameboy Color.
Presidential wannabe Rick Santorum also shared his views during the most recent Republican candidate shit show/debate.“Video games go against Catholic morals by creating people in images other than Gods and will lead to gay marriage and abortion.” When asked to elaborate, Santorum stated it was an obvious logical assumption that the majority of those playing World of Warcraft are homosexuals and slutty women.
Although several economists and WoW creators, Blizzard Entertainment, insist this is only a figment of the company’s imagination, the Obama Administration is adamant in it’s attempts to essentially create a never-ending supply and demand system. “Tuffnutz” McGee thinks it can be done claiming, “yeah man, we just gotta make more stuff, buy a dragon and we’ll be good.”
In an unrelated note, several members of congress have been reportedly absent from congressional meetings for the past two weeks, and several others have been spotted leaving Costco’s with cases of Red Bull.
In another unrelated note, Bill O’Reiley’s Nintendo DS has gone missing, and he was just about to evolve his Charmelion to a Charizard.
—Rachel Maus is a freshman cinema and photography major who is filthy rich…in her guild. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org