Image by Layan Bitar
After being particularly blown away by Beauty and the Beast in 3-D, President Obama appointed Disney CEO Bob Iger as Czar of American Idealism in order to maximize national happiness and make America a better place.
“Who doesn’t get all warm and fuzzy when they’re in the Magic Kingdom? No Americans that’s for sure,” Obama stated during a press conference. “With Disney in control of aiding the emotional welfare of our society, hopefully America can become the utopia it used to be back when Steamboat Willie was around. Plus, it’s going to do a shit ton for my popularity.”
What Obama didn’t account for, however, was that Iger misinterpreted the President’s motion as giving him the green light for a long awaited Disney Invasion, code-named “Operation Disney Cruise Line” named after the overpriced vacation his parents couldn’t afford when he was a kid.
Since receiving his newly appointed position last Tuesday, Iger has made the Walt Disney Corporation prevalent all across the nation, replacing hood ornaments with Mickey Ears and abolishing all grocery stores and putting food courts in their place — complete with souvenir cups available for purchase.
“We have them in all our theme parks,” Iger said. “What more do Americans want than bland Chinese food, burgers and crappy pizza? Of course there’s always breakfast with Mickey, but you need to give up your first born child for that, and show proof of American citizenship.”
Aside from instating a nation-wide monorail and re-naming the Pentagon, “Space Mountain,” Americans are noticing that the biggest difference since Disney’s takeover are not the kitschy gimmicks but rather the outrageously long lines for anything.
New Hampshire resident Laura Lincroft stated, “As much as I enjoy seeing the Secret Service dressed up as Goofy or Tigger, I’d like it better if going to the ATM didn’t take a whole day,” she said. “I mean, I could always take out a second mortgage and get a Fastpass but I’m saving that for something really important, like the iPad 3.”
“I can deal with the lines,” said D.C Resident Duke Laur. “It’s that God damned parade every night that kills me. Don’t get me wrong, it was cute the first sixteen days, but come on, a dude has a right to sulk over his unemployment without hearing ‘When you wish upon a star’ blaring through your window. Rub it in more why don’t you?”
Disney executives have stated that even though Operation Disney Cruise Line applied to citizens of all ages, they haven’t forgotten that the children are at the heart of their corporation – them and their ability to drive their parents into debt for a one-of-a-kind Tinkerbell Tea Cup set.
Iger and co. have therefore modified Bush’s No Child Left Behind Act by sending Talent recruiters to Pre and Elementary schools nationwide in order to find any promising kid who expresses an overpowering desire for attention, a lack of dignity or can be auto-tuned so they can ideally hit teen star sensation before their voice cracks. After parents admitted to being skeptical of the program, Disney announced that any child picked would also get compensation for future psychiatric, marital and rehab costs.
Several citizens have written to the President, urging him to halt the action, Obama conveniently ‘lost’ the majority of emails after moving into his new home at Cinderella’s Castle. Only after Gingrich publicly denounced Obama did he send a public response that said, “My fellow Americans, I understand your concerns, unfortunately my Presidential duties are tied up determining which simulation ride should be updated, Honey I Shrunk the Kids or A Bugs Life. I ask that all future questions be addressed to the Mousketmen—I mean Congress – the Congressmen.”
Though the Disney Invasion has hit some bumps, one thing global leaders across the world can support is the much-awaited destruction of Guantanamo Bay. Future terrorists will now be subject to riding the “It’s a Small World” ride until the end of eternity, which many agree is a much harsher punishment.
Catherine Fisher is a junior cinema and photography major who would rather go to Universal. Email her at [email protected].