Patient certified in having extensive knowledge of Grey’s Anatomy
SEATTLE, WA – Joe Walton, 27, was rushed to the emergency room on Thursday the 27th with complaints of head pain. He was taken in for a CT scan and later diagnosed with chronic optical migraines, most likely from watching too much TV. When his doctor came in for a final check-up however, Walton claimed he’s seen enough Grey’s Anatomy to perform the lobotomy himself.
“I’ve seen Patrick Dempsey slice into a brain over six thousand times. I think it’s about time to do it solo, Doc,” Walton told Dr. Seth Sliceman. Walton was informed that it would, in fact, be impossible to conduct brain surgery on himself—that is, if he even needed brain surgery.
More than six months ago, Walton was semi-successfully able to butterfly-suture a laceration he sustained while using a table saw. Walton claims he learned it all from Grey’s.
Nurses reported that Walton was found unattended in a scrub room, washing his hands and mumbling to surrounding doctors about how he couldn’t believe Cristina wouldn’t have Owen’s baby, and it’s not fair that Meredith wasn’t allowed to work on neurosurgery because she ruined the Alzheimer’s trial for Derek.
While being wheeled back to his room, Walton reportedly leapt off the chair and sped off. Interns later found him on the Trauma floor, in fear that they were going to botch him like Denny and O’Malley.
“Don’t you cut my LVAD wires, now,” he threatened. He was reassured by many surrounding doctors and nurses that his migraine condition did not require any heart-support technology whatsoever.
“Personally, I’d suggest a lobotomy,” a nurse stated. “It’ll quiet him right down.”
Later that day Walton was also caught trying to deliver a baby in an elevator. It appears a patient’s water broke between the lobby and third floor while sharing the elevator with Walton, and he got right to work.
“One more push!” he was cheering when the doctors got to him. “I’ve seen this done so many times, it’s like I’m practically licensed myself. Here, let me clamp that umbilical cord for you.”
Dr. Sliceman stated in a later interview that he mastered most of his techniques, not from his residency at the Seattle Medical Center, but from season three of Grey’s.
“I hadn’t actually seen someone incubate a patient until George O’Malley had to learn how to do it on Grey’s over and over. Then I felt confident to do it myself,” Sliceman said.
Nurses have extended Walton’s stay for further examination. So far, patients in the rooms near him have filed several noise complaints after hearing him sing “Chasing Cars” at the top of his lungs on repeat.
Liz Kloczkowski is a junior cinema & photography major who self-diagnosed herself with nosocomephobia after watching Grey’s. Email her at lkloczk1[at]ithaca[dot]edu.