Residents of Ithaca, NY found themselves dealing with a whole new kind of brotherhood when members of fraternity house Omega Alpha Di were discovered attempting to sacrifice a pledge to Morlador, demon god of babes, brew and unearned success.
Police say that this isn’t the first time they have had to deal with Omega Alpha Di committing some intensely absurd crimes. The brotherhood has a laundry list full of ludicrous offenses that has kept them on the top of Compus Police’s monitoring list (aka “Shitlist”).
Officer John Dunphy explained to our writers that no matter how crazy these brothers got, their actions were normally written off as typical frat behavior. “You know, this being a college town, we see a lot of strange things. We were okay with them sneaking ninja stars into the chess team’s t-shirt gun, because no one really got hurt–besides that one girl. And we were okay with them sending elaborate gift packages of uh…defecation to the sororities as an invite to that big Winter Formal. You know, toilet humor. We were even okay when we found them grilling with meat stripped from a Pre-Med lab cadaver, which was just gross. But this? We can’t allow it.”
Allen Jones, the pledge who would have been sacrificed had it not been for an anonymous tip leading police to the frat’s underground bunker, was surprisingly disappointed at not being able to the complete the sacrifice (or “rush”). “Man, if I had been sacrificed, I would have been a brother for life! I wouldn’t have had to go through Hell Week or do housework chores, or nothing! Oh well, gotta toughen up for rush next year!”
Jones’ ‘Big’ and would-be fellow brother, Jeff Quartermain, dismissed responsibility for the sacrifice, and the sacrificial markings carved into his Little’s chest. “Yo, you know, sometimes the Police just don’t understand the way that brotherhood works. Plus, it was all Morlador’s idea. With 2012 and the world ending, he wanted to come out, and that could only happen with a sacrifice. It sucked that it would have had to be my Little, but, you know, you do what you have to do for the brotherhood!”
Quartermain had no comment about the current investigations that are looking into the private lives of Alumni from their chapter of Omega Alpha Di, who all mysteriously received elite jobs after graduation and happen to be ridiculously successful. Rumors have it that these noted alumni included Mark Zuckerberg, Russian president Boris Yeltsin and Ozzy Osbourne. All have refused to show pictures of their sacrifice scars, except for Ozzy, whose were in a place no one wanted to see.
In order to be re-established in the next year, the brothers were required to host and conduct a program the college described as “community beneficial.” Omega Alpha Di sponsored Morlador’s Breast Cancer Awareness Benefit, featuring free mammograms and pink ribbon-themed merchandise. Further reports say that the professionalism of the doctor giving the mammograms was questionable, and that there was never an explanation as to why participants were required to wear blindfolds.
KC Weston is a sophomore exploratory major who swears she checked with Morlador before writing the article. Email her at kweston2[at]ithaca.edu.