Residents of small-town Peglee, Wisconsin, are baffled by the behavior of their high school boys’ soccer team, who apparently decided to treat September 11 like any other day. Witnesses say that the team not only ate breakfast and got dressed, but also showed up to school and went through a typical routine.
Seventeen year-old Elma Gorem, who also happened to be at the almost- empty school, saw the monstrosity firsthand. “I was at school because I left my good ol’ American flag folded up in my desk. Pa’ made me come and get it, and then all of a sudden there’s the team, walking around and going to classes. Like it’s nothing! I thought they were Canadian or something at first.”
Shockingly, the Jets were allowed to attend classes, because teachers were contractually obligated to come to their jobs and most in the district could not afford another sick day (the town was saving up for their annual Christmas cow tipping trip). In retaliation, teachers challenged the unpatriotic delinquent’s education with their own form of red, white and blue protests.
Whenever the team changed classes, they were forced to listen to both the National Anthem and “America the Beautiful on replay for the entire class, and after had to sing them back in perfect pitch. Some team members were also randomly selected to take seven citizenship exams, all of which they failed.
John Norman, striker and captain of the Jets, defended the team’s actions while tightening his jock strap in the locker room. “Got a big game tonight. Scouts might be coming. I don’t even know anyone from New York. That’s the state with the island and the big-ass green lady with the pointy hat, right?” Other teammates showed their agreement with the ritualistic towel-whip to the buttocks.
The Jet Set, or school’s cheerleaders, expressed mixed feelings on the controversy. While their squad’s absence from school technically disqualified them from cheering, some of the girls showed discomfort in ditching their friends.
“We didn’t know what to do”, said Delilah Jameson, head cheerleader, “We couldn’t let our boys play tonight without our support. And no one is gonna show anyway since hardly anyone left their house today. My mom’s still in bed. She was on a plane to North Carolina the day the tragedy happened – how crazy is that?”
Head Coach and Gym Teacher Tom Ranley displayed a spine-tingling mix of nonchalance and pride about the entire issue and declined to comment despite calls for both his removal and proof of American citizenship. No measures however will be taken until September 12th.
KC Weston is a sophomore exploratory major who didn’t know it was 9/11 until late afternoon. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org