Last Monday, Kelly Riley, a student in River Falls, NY, was suspended for breaking the unwritten rule of you-do-not-joke-about-touchy-topics. Riley was escorted off the premises after revealing a suspected unprofessional relationship with her homeroom teacher, Mr. Kitz, during a commemorative moment of silence in homeroom. Riley is known for her obnoxiously loud, bizarrely outgoing, and overly enthusiastic personality. As shocking as her inappropriate comment was, it did not surprise her peers that it was Kelly who said it.
“She loves being in the spotlight, and is the type to do something totally outlandish in order to be the center of attention. There’s no such thing as bad publicity, right?”
Kitz had taught Kelly’s remedial English class last year, giving them plenty of time to cozy up to each other. Kelly was spotted frequently attending “extra help” sessions with the professor after school hours. A firm believer – and enactor – of sleeping your way to the top, Kelly is a straight-A student.
Kelly was giggling with her friends in the back of the room when the principal declared a moment of silence over the loud speaker in memory of 9/11. As the students fell silent, sources say Riley rashly declared something along the lines of, “my date with Mr. Kitz last night was hotter than the rubble after the twin towers collapsed.” The class was speechless.
Emotionally disturbed by the outburst, many students were taken home by red-faced parents. “I can’t believe such a thing could happen at a place that is supposed to be a safe haven of learning! I’d expect this sort of nonsense in a place like Kansas, but I thought we were better than that,” reported Anne Carlton, an overly concerned mother of one of Kelly’s classmates.
Richard Stockman, the school guidance counselor, says that he “blames the parents.”
“This totally isn’t the first time she’s done something ape-shit insane. Last year she made the lunch lady cry by saying the food smelt worse than Air India. This is so long overdue, it’s about freaking time”, explained a classmate who wished to remain anonymous.
A particularly distressed classmate reported “I don’t even know what to think right now, I mean, why would Mr. Kitz get with such a slut? I need to call my therapist.”
Kelly is the first in River Falls High’s history to be suspended by popular demand. “I haven’t seen so many people gang up like that since the hunt for Bin Laden,” said Principle Wyatt Holmes. “We are deeply embarrassed by this event and sincerely apologize.”
Mr. Kitz has been taken in for further questioning.
Nicole Srulowitz is a freshman exploratory major who doesn’t think Mr. Fitz is all that great. Email her at nsrulow1[at]ithaca.edu