Blake staggers through the door of his college dorm room. Mind in a fog, today was just another episode in his pathetic rat race of a life. Yet as he enters his room there is a sudden invitation to escape the monotony of his life. There she lay, on his bed, as she had every night for the last week or so. Here was Blake’s prey, offering herself to him. Judging by her name she was foreign, Olay or some shit.
He gazes at a slender neck protruding from a round body, aching to be pumped. With her mouth slightly agape Blake somehow finds her irresistible. Blake, raised by Christian parents, has no defense against such open sexual lust. He reassures himself that this isn’t him; he doesn’t normally do this.
But instinct takes over. He would have preferred a more tropical and exotic mate, perhaps something along the lines of a tanning oil, but Blake needs her on his dick, now, before his roommate gets back. His lover-to-be does not judge, no. She stares blankly back at him. Somehow obdurate and fleeting at once, she awaits his decision. “I don’t want to make a habit of this,” Blake mutters as he tentatively strokes her body, already doubting the words as they leave his mouth. As if sensing this, Blake’s lover doesn’t even acknowledge his words. She knows he will be back for more, time and time again. Her experience is what Blake finds irresistible.
“Allow me to find something appropriate for us to watch,” Blake says, vaguely remembering a porn site based on a youtube parody. After wading through the failed searches of “youfuck,” “cumtube,” and the likes Blake hits the jackpot: YouPorn will be the final tool in seducing his late night visitor.
Hesitantly Blake unsheathes what he describes as Excalibur. His mighty blade, four inches long and slightly skewed to the left, seems to scream out, anticipating the forceful strokes awaiting him. Blake manages to utter the words “I don’t think I can start without you.” With a guiding hand from Blake, Olay places her mouth on his smooth shaft, exfoliated from a previous rendezvous. Blake forces her head down, compressing her neck as a straight line of lubricant accents his penis like a racing stripe.
Her purpose being fulfilled, Blake casts Olay to the floor and grips his mighty sword. His search in youporn is blunt, to the point: “sex.” No foreplay this time. Feeling as though it were appropriate, Blake hits the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button to transport him immediately to a pornographic link. Blake is suddenly immersed in a world where everything is velvet. A man, more muscular and better hung than Blake could ever hope to be, rails into a “barely legal” woman who is old enough to be his mother. But it doesn’t matter.
Blake has the Midas touch; he’s struck gold. With hands like his to jerk-off with he won’t have to rely on warm bagels or overripe fruit for years to come. He collapses on his bed, scrubbing away the metaphoric layers of stress and indignant servitude accumulated throughout the day.
A sudden sound at the door startles Blake, and what once was a human sundial has turned to a raging geyser. Like a fireman who has lost control of his hose in a cartoon, Blake clumsily tries to grab hold of his dick as it wildly soaks his immediate surroundings. Blake’s roommate Tim stands at the doorway, appalled at the sight of his Blake, whom he had just met a week before. The still yelping 40-year-old amateur behind Blake is loud enough to attract a crowd outside his room. Blake doesn’t care. He lets his head fall back onto his crusty pillow as his rapidly shrinking penis comes to rest in a pool of its own excrement. Bliss.