Protesters reaching out to slimmer brethren to strengthen movement
By Catherine Fisher
Turmoil filled the halls at Sweeping Pines Middle School after a group of heavyset eight-graders put on a protest Thursday during school hours. The students, angered after the removal of a snack machine, spent the day answering only to their self-proposed nicknames like “Twix” and “Baby Ruth.” In addition, several students came to school wearing T-shirts sporting the logos of their favorite brandname candy bars.
Teachers complained the demonstration was a distraction during class time, and many students were mistakenly marked absent because of it.
“I take roll, and half the kids don’t answer,” one math teacher said. “Let alone the fact that they’re all calling each other ‘Skittles.’ Tell me, how am I supposed to teach with that?”
The snack machine, which was removed over spring break, was the last of the privately owned “junk food” distributors in the educational facility. Though it was replaced with a new device, options such as Lays were replaced by things like fruit strips and oats. Educators insist they mailed out a newsletter explaining the switch, but this had yet to be confirmed at press time.
The protesters, mostly chubby but now growing in numbers and weight diversity, declare they are taking a stand against a huge injustice. Even athletes and other active students have decided to take their part in the fight, such as sixth-grade soccer player Shelley Grace, who said the school’s policies are starting to become overbearing and out of line.
“They took away the McDonald’s,” she said. “Now, after soccer games, our coach treats us to the salad bar at Whole Foods.”
“They made us run a mile in gym and we said nothing,” said Mitchell “Crunch” Knicks, who is rumored among authority figures to be the frontrunner behind the movement. “They switched the soda out with juice, and we remained silent. If we don’t do something now, who knows when it will stop?”
Linda Fitz, head of after school activities and chairperson of the PTA, stands in direct opposition to Knicks and his movement. Once the owner of a small boutique, Linda is now known in Sweeping Pines as the woman behind the town’s “Happy Kids, Healthy Kids Youth Program.” Over the past 18 months, she and a group of equally motivated stay-at-home moms have organized their program to the local community and introduced a variety of fit-focused events aimed to encourage active lifestyles.
The “Happy Kids” program was originally conceived by personal trainer-turned-author Rod Brigham, who is best known for his works Get America Skinny and It’s Too Late for Us, But Think of the Children. Brigham is set to make a speaking appearance at Sweeping Pines Middle School, an event at which teachers are expecting another demonstration to occur.
When asked to comment, Crunch chalked the town’s conceit up to “classic lethargy.”
According to Fitz, the chocolate-craving youths have already set their sights on her. Fitz reported she came to work early Friday morning and found her mailbox stuffed with used candy wrappers. Next, the nutrition posters that were recently hung up around the school were torn down and defiled, many of them covered with pro-junk food graffiti messages on them, such as “Reese’s Rocks” and “Taste This Pissed Off Rainbow, Fitz.”
“This whole business is really starting to get out of hand,” she said. “I don’t think these kids are aware, but everything comes out of the school’s budget. This is going to cost them their trip to Washington.”
Neighborhood Watch has currently been notified of the situation. In the meantime, cafeteria staff assured the student body during Monday morning announcements that the curly fries, for now at least, are to remain a lunch option.
As for the Happy Kid, Healthy Kids Youth Program, a health inspector has approved of the addition of a salad bar that is scheduled to be available by next fall. Features include three kinds of lettuce, cheese and vegetable toppings as well as croutons. Negotiations over the addition of bacon bits are currently pending.
Catherine Fisher is a sophomore cinema and photography major who doesn’t give a shit if her Sour Skittles are supposed to make you fat. Email her at email@example.com.