Shocking Excerpts Unearthed From U.S. Military’s Past
By Anne Northgraves
With the recent repeal of the U.S. military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, a lot has come to light about how the armed forces had been dealing with the policy since its inception in 1993. Now, Wikileaks editors have unearthed an internal document used for suspected violators of “DADT.”
Here are several excerpts from the memo to recruitment agencies, which seems to be a twisted guide on how to appear “less gay” for the military based on misguided stereotypes:
“Any establishments you used to frequent, even if you had only the slightest interaction with service providers who might not even work there anymore, you should not go to. They may have footage of you on a security camera pushing around your tiny dog in a baby stroller or talking about your love of rainbows. The extra hours it will take you to go to new businesses and the sadness from missing familiar haunts will be more than made up for with the certainty that your gayness will not be found out. Such places include, but are not limited to hairdressing shops, Whole Foods grocery stores or even normal-people places like McDonalds or tobacco shops…
“No personal care items of any kind. Not even deodorant. Not all men who use deodorant are gay, but all gay men use deodorant. Do you think that army barracks smell like Old Spice or Axe? No. They are sweaty cesspools of B.O. And lesbian ladies, that means no Birkenstocks or combat boots. Yes, even when you are running obstacle courses during military training. There is nothing more quintessentially straight than a lady running in that foolish, halting manner all women do in five-inch pumps…
“A new wardrobe is a necessity. Not that you’ll be seen in civvies all that often as a soldier, but you should never break character. And acting comes naturally to you, as gay people are inherently theatrical. But to stay on point, everything previously in your wardrobe must be put into a pile and burned. Don’t even take them to a vintage store—knowing what a vintage clothing store is is gay, too. When you go out shopping for new clothes, make sure to buy the opposite of anything previously in your closet. No matter how small the degree of gayness, if you bought it while thinking in a queer way, then it is indicative of homosexuality. For men, that means no skinny jeans or scarves. Women, no shapeless tops. Show your breasts so that guys will hit on you…
“You must order meat. Lots of meat. No straight people watch their health when eating. Don’t even order poultry—that’s a wimpy meat. Steaks, burgers, fries and anything with trans fats. If there is something green on your plate, send it back to the kitchen. Unless you’re a woman, and in that case, do not order anything besides a salad—you must care about your figure and weight. Or, just let the men in your company order for you. You are going to be a subordinate in rank anyway, and soldiers must always defer to their superiors.
“Oh, and men, you should only apply to branches of the military other than the Navy. Because that just invites the comparison.”
Anne Northgraves is a senior journalism major who is disturbed to her that the military is currently working on a new guide for how straight and gay soldiers should conduct themselves. E-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.