Buzzsaw Sports Guy: a satirical look at sports
To my wife Emily, my daughter Susie and the rest of my family,
I know funds have been pretty tight this past year, what with this recession continuing and all. There were a few months there when I thought it just wasn’t going to happen again this time around, despite the routine I’ve gotten into over the past 44 years. But now, thanks to a generously paid commercial spot I’ve done for Visa, I’ve procured the necessary cash I’ll need to keep doing these trips for years to come, whether you like it or not.
All I’ve got to say is this: Fuck you all, I’m going to another fucking Super Bowl.
It’s about time I got some recognition for devoting so much time and money to watching football. The people at Visa praised me for my football fanaticism, unlike all of you. No, no, you’ve all held me back all these years, telling me to set my priorities straight and set aside money for the family. Hell, Emily, I’ll never forget the time a few years ago when you calculated that I’d spent well into six figures on Super Bowl-related activities. That was uncalled for and made me wonder why we ever got married in the first place (and believe me, that’s not the only time I’ve wondered about that).
The fact is, football is my one escape from the cold, cruel reality of work and family, and the Super Bowl provides me with the one time every year in which I feel detached and free from both. I mean, shit, I don’t even like talking about football or watching it with friends because that hinders my focus. I’d much prefer to watch it alone in the stadium and not talk to anyone around me. I don’t even root for anyone in particular. I kind of like watching football but I mostly just like being at an event that millions of people wish they could be attending. It makes me feel strong and elite. Whenever I see a camera guy panning around the crowd for the people at home I always laugh and give it the finger.
And as for every “significant” moment I’ve missed over the years due to my Super Bowl dedication, I don’t regret a single decision I’ve made to neglect everything else and go anyway. Yes, I was glad to see the Cowboys defeat the Dolphins 24-3 in Super Bowl VI while Emily gave birth to Susie. I was happy to see the 49ers stomp all over the Chargers 49-26 in Super Bowl XXIX during the weekend of Susie’s wedding. Missing Susie give birth to twins during Super Bowl XXXIII was no big deal, since I got to see the Broncos crush the Falcons 34-19. Finally, it was totally worth seeing Ben Roethlisberger lead the Steelers to an easy victory over the Seahawks in Super Bowl XL while everyone attended my mother’s funeral.
Say what you will about this muse of mine, but witnessing historic Super Bowl moments firsthand is my lifeblood. In my mind, nothing could possibly replace the image of David Tyree making that miraculous catch in Super Bowl XLII to vanquish the undefeated Patriots. Or the time Santonio Holmes toed the end zone boundary masterfully for a touchdown to win Super Bowl XLIII for the Steelers. These moments are a part of me, and being there in person, miles away from friends and family, made them that much better.
Whether you all look to sever ties with me or not, the Super Bowl is the one thing I’ll look forward to every year, and I’ll look forward to missing some more weddings, births, funerals and anything else that comes up as I go away for future Super Bowl weekends. Good riddance and thanks Visa!
Sincerely,
Ralph