Extended Game of Kings Ruins Uptight Student’s Night
By Alex Palombo
As a group of inebriated college students tried to look on, sophomore and confirmed virgin Robert Cochrane blushed and stormed out of a party on Pleasant Street, leaving behind his keys and a half-empty watermelon Four Loko.
According to fellow partygoers, Cochrane left in the middle of a lengthy game of “Never Have I Ever” after one too many questions concerning his sex life.
“He just got up, accidentally knocked over my beer and ran out of the living room,” senior Ryan “Moondog” Sherry said. “I don’t understand why he was so embarrassed.”
Sherry was one of the participants in the game. He said that Cochrane seemed uncomfortable throughout the game, shifting in his seat and drinking in between questions. Junior Anne Goodman sat next to him during the game and described him as “sweaty and lame.”
“He was embarrassed by everything,” Goodman said. “He was refusing to answer anything, even the questions not about sex. It was so stupid.”
The other players were suspicious that Cochrane was uncomfortable, as he asked the least interesting question of the game. When he shouted, “Never have I ever been to Idaho” and emitted a suspiciously Pee Wee Herman-like laugh, the rest of the circle had a feeling that Cochrane was the least experienced person in the room.
“It was pretty obvious he was a virgin,” Goodman said. “I mean, ‘Never have I ever been to Idaho?’ Really?”
Cochrane’s friend Liz Della Hassa was also playing and tried to protect her loser friend from the game.
“I knew that he had nothing to brag about, so I told him to go play beer pong upstairs so he wouldn’t humiliate himself,” Della Hassa said. “But he didn’t listen. He made some dumb excuse about being allergic to beer and decided to play Never with us.”
Sherry, who was unaware of Cochrane’s virginity, was puzzled at his embarrassment and quick departure. The final straw was a reference to an obscure sexual position.
“Some people just don’t do the Old Tokyo Sandblaster,” Sherry said. “It honestly wasn’t that big of a deal.”
Goodman agreed with Sherry, admitting that she and many others had answered “no” to the same question and that Cochrane had nothing to be embarrassed about.
“No one answered ‘yes’ to the Tokyo Sandblaster,” Goodman said. “Well, actually, Devka Zasrana said she’d done it, but that’s ‘cause she’s a slut.”
Zasrana said she got suspicious of Cochrane when he tried to make up sexual positions, such as the Rickety Tilt-O-Whirl and the Saucy Frenchman, to impress the other players.
“He was just trying way too hard,” Zasrana said. “Those positions don’t even exist. Trust me.”
Cochrane couldn’t be reached for interview, but sources confirmed he could be heard crying as he stumbled up Danby Road back to his dorm. He then banged on his door for a while, having forgotten his keys at the party. Cochrane then went to his RA’s room to be let into his own, but ran away at the sound of his RA’s loud sex from behind the door.
Goodman says that she’s sorry he was so humiliated, but hopes the situation won’t repeat itself in the future.
“There’s no way in hell I’m taking him to a party again,” she said. “Not after how he embarrassed me this time. Now I’m known as the Crying Virgin’s Friend.”
Alex Palombo is a senior journalism major who still hasn’t done the Tokyo Sandblaster either. E-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.