By Noah Burd
In a stern verbal statement released early yesterday afternoon, 525 Oak St. resident Mom let it be known that she would not be offering her son Matthew any more cookies until he tidies up his room.
“The state of his bedroom is a mess,” Mom said to reporters with firm conviction. “And quite frankly, we’re a bit uncomfortable with the prospect of rewarding him when he’s done nothing but squander our good will on clutter.”
This marks the third time this year that Matthew has been threatened with cookie cessation, yet his room is still dirty. Past attempts to regulate the dirty clothing draped over everything have failed, leading outsiders to wonder who is at fault for the current state of affairs.
“It’s a question of accountability,” said babysitter Kate, who found wet bubblegum coating Matthew’s door when she was tucking him in last week. “I want to know why nobody saw this disaster of chaos coming.”
Mom and Dad blame the boy’s grandparents, as they watched him for about a week in January when Mom and Dad were on a cruise.
“For eight days, his grandparents let him get away with anything. They would spoil him with candy no matter how good or bad his performance was,” explained Dad, then added with a somewhat sad look in his eye: “These are the same people who didn’t let me have maple syrup growing up.”
The decision was not without its detractors. Matthew threw what his parents called a “temper tantrum” over new regulatory procedures like “Don’t stuff everything in your closet,” and “Just because you threw it under your bed does not make it clean, mister.”
Upon being informed of the procedures, he reportedly whined “But mom!”-—rhetoric common to the national dialogue over the controversial cookie measure.
Furthermore, Matthew claims he needs the cookie to prevent him from failing the first grade and threatens that he won’t love his parents as much if he is denied said cookie. He says the family’s well-being depends too much on Matthew’s love and success for them not to grant him his desired cookie, a chewy chocolate chip.
“Our son is too big a part of our lives to fail,” Mom said. “But until he shows us how the energy from last week’s cookies was spent, we’re not going to give him any more sweets. He was supposed to use those calories to clean this mess up, but if anything, things have only gotten worse.”
“We will not continue to mindlessly throw cookies at this problem,” Dad said. “We’re tired of the immature threats and empty promises of better future behavior. We refuse to keep doling out unearned rewards.”
Mom and Dad have been issuing similar behavioral warnings all afternoon. Perhaps the biggest threat to Matthew, however, is the risk that if, by Friday evening, he still has not cleaned his room, he will forfeit TV privileges for the weekend.
Noah Burd is a sophomore writing major who wants a cookie stimulus package. E-mail him at email@example.com.