In a ruling reminiscent of the ancient King Solomon, City of Ithaca Judge Joseph Ward put a stop to divorce court proceedings mid-trial last Monday, ruling that both sides would receive half of everything, including the couple’s dog and daughter. The decision will soon be up for appeal.
Aggravated and disillusioned by a lifetime of lawful due process, the 64-year-old Ward had had enough of listening to frivolous arguments from both parties in the divorce proceedings, interrupting an attorney as she laid a foundation for an argument.
“Alright, I’ve had enough of this shit,” Ward said, then gestured to the husband and wife. “You’re both obviously complete assholes trying to make a dime off each other, so let’s just split everything right down the middle. It’ll save us all some time.”
Attorneys from each side immediately objected to the sudden ruling and asked whether he truly meant for every single thing to be split in half.
“Oh, you heard me, damn right. I’m disgusted by the arguments made by both sides,” Ward said, an air of exasperation in his voice as he moved to leave the courtroom. “I’m two weeks away from retirement and I have to listen to trash like this. Jesus, God in Heaven.”
Ward has since remained at his home in Danby and has refused to admit the overt mistake in his ruling. He has, however, written it off as something that can be easily resolved in the appeal process, saying it is, “no big deal.”
“He seems to be embarrassed by his own outburst,” Attorney Laura Stannard said. “I knew this case would be unpredictable heading in, but I didn’t expect the judge to rule for a girl and a dog to be cut in half.”
Despite reassurances from mom, dad and both attorneys, 9-year-old Emma Saunders is deathly afraid of being cut in half by the court, crying in her room constantly since the ruling was issued. Reportedly, all she wants is to be in “one piece with her mommy and daddy.”
“Well, I can’t do that for her,” Ward said. “Her parents hate each other’s guts so much they’ll rip her apart themselves. They don’t need me to do it for them.”
“I just love Emma so much,” both Saunders parents said in separate interviews. “The thought that Judge Ward ordered her cut in half brings about a horrible image in my mind. I really just want to get past it and get sole custody of her so I can keep my scumbag [spouse] away from her.”
Chris Giblin is a junior TV-R major who wonders if anyone remembers King Solomon. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.