By Bryant Francis
Local police responded to a 911 call on West Street yesterday in response to reports of excessive drunkenness. The caller reported that members of the fraternity Omega Phi Beta appeared to have consumed large quantities of alcohol and were blacking out, moaning deliriously and uttering “weird, kind of freaky chants.”
Officers responding to the scene, however, were surprised to discover not the drunken antics of a college fraternity, but members of the cult “Omga Fi B’ta” engaging in a ritual designed to “Summon the Dark Lord Omga to enter this world and rule for a thousand years,” according to cult leader Andrew Hunter. “That, or cause a small shower of fluffy bunnies somewhere off the eastern coast of Madagascar. The translation could go either way.”
Cornell freshman Michael Sanders, who insisted he was a member of fraternity Omega Phi Beta, called 911 after he showed up late to the ritual.
“They were, like, acting really weird,” he said. “At first, I thought someone had gotten some awesome weed. I was actually pretty cool with it until one guy sliced a chicken’s head off.”
No arrests were made, though one officer was seen handcuffing a cult member on the lawn before being confronted by Mr. Hunter. After a brief discussion, the officer released the man, though witnesses described the officer as “sufficiently freaked out.”
Michael, it seemed, legitimately believed he was joining the fraternity of Omega Phi Beta.
“I thought the rush night was a little weird,” he said. “We went down to the lake and met up with another branch of the fraternity, and we had to say these words that didn’t make much sense. My cousin in Phi Delta Theta said they had to do the same thing after a whole bunch of other stuff though, so I thought it was cool. I wasn’t really interested in doing anything more than drinking in the first place.”
A representative from the police department spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“Officers arrived on the scene and discovered what they were dealing with was a failure to communicate,” he said. “We will not speculate at this point whether Mr. Sanders’ stupidity was based on his time with the cult, or something he possessed naturally. Personally, I believe it to be the latter.”
Spokespeople for Omega Phi Beta expressed surprise and worry for Michael’s safety, but were disappointed that they had been confused for a “Lovecraftian Cult.” Likewise, Andrew Hunter was amused by the connection to the fraternity.
“I suppose I should be concerned about the connection,” he said. “But seeing as our organization was founded by several Sigma Phi brothers, I can’t be surprised. I wish all the best for Michael, and may he find glory in the coming days of Lord Omga.”
Bryant Francis is a sophomore cinema and photography major who just wanted to get fucked up. E-mail him at