By Liz Kloczkowski
Dozens of Rahway, NJ residents are still reeling in light of the news that a local female resident underwent a controversial breast reduction surgery on Thursday.
The woman, a consistently unaware victim of discreet admiration, opted to get the surgery in order to eliminate alleged chronic neck, back, and shoulder pain due to her ‘heavy’ chest.
“Honestly, I’m shocked that she went through with it,” 37-year-old neighbor Gordon Irwin said. “I am going to have trouble adjusting to not seeing that bosom every morning when I go to the edge of my driveway to get my newspaper.”
Other residents of the neighborhood had their own distraught comments about this unfortunate event.
“The recession hit this town pretty hard, and I think we’ve all pulled through it pretty well for the most part,” neighbor Milton August, 45, said. “But the unexpected reduction in size of two of the roundest breasts in Union County may be more than this town can bear.”
“Man, that chick was Baywatch material,” 15-year-old paperboy Troy Davis said. “At least I snuck some pictures of her so I can still, uh, admire her. In private.”
“Indeed, she was nicely stacked,” added Tom Folk, 55, a local garbage man who also reported that his day got “about 12 times better” whenever he saw the woman in anything sporting ample cleavage.
Her friends at work also consented to interviews regarding this disturbing matter.
“It’s such a shame,” coworker Bernard Carsen, 33, said. “The work that the surgeon did was deplorable and, quite frankly, morally reprehensible.”
An investigation is currently underway regarding this questionable procedure. Sheriff Eugene Spielster, 65, has already looked into this case, arguing that this must have violated some of the town’s “viewing rights,” though he has been unsuccessful in locating any such law on the books thus far.
“I didn’t want to do it,” said Lloyd Bellin, M.D., who plans to resign his post later this week. “But the health concerns outweighed the aesthetic properties of her breasts.”
There are some residents who have taken a more positive outlook on this issue.
“I just like rock hard nipples. Breast size doesn’t matter much, I’m more of an ass man really,” Tim Paisley from two streets over said. “As much as I love a big rack, I would take a sweet ass or pretty face any day.”
Liz Kloczkowski is a freshman journalism major who used to be a chest girl ‘til she found a buried treasure. E-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.