By Liz Kloczkowsk
The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and children’s playful laughter could be heard over the breeze. Freshly cut grass wafted over the air. This was the weather that launched a thousand grills.
The Collins family was world famous for their annual family cookout at the end of every summer. According to Bill Collins, every family member had a designated food item that they bestowed upon the family that day.
“Auntie Shelby always brought the pasta salad, Grandma made brownies, and Uncle George always skillfully grilled the burgers,” Bill said. “Those burgers were like magic; that’s how we always thought it would be.”
Well, that was how it had always been until Aunt Jen and Uncle George’s recent divorce this past spring. A nasty court case and a few hundred thousand dollars later, Aunt Jen remains living in their house. She has possession of their vacation lodge in New Hampshire and she was also able to keep their dog, Bruno.
Now, three months later, the Collins family is really feeling the absence of their beloved Uncle George, especially with the appearance of sub-par, undercooked meat from Aunt Jen.
“Since Aunt Jen took over the grilling,” Jen’s cousin Josh said, “my stomach has never been the same.”
Various family members were seen stashing half-eaten burgers everywhere. Potted plants have wilted and died from the burgers that were left there.
“Even Bruno vomited after eating one of the burgers,” Jen’s brother-in-law Bill said morosely.
“I can’t believe it,” said Aunt Shelby, who in the past could be seen at every cookout wolfing down two juicy cheeseburgers stacked on top of each other. “I don’t know what we’re going to do, I’m really at a loss for words. I mean, I know the guy lost 30,000 dollars in a poker game last year, but his burgers were to die for.”
“I know that Uncle George had that fetish for Vietnamese whores,” Aunt Sima said. ”But man could he grill.”
Other family members even lamented the absence of George’s personality at the barbeque.
“He was a lot of fun and knew how to have a good time,” Bill said. “Not like Jen at all. She’s really emotional and cries all the time.”
Uncle George is presently living in the basement of one of his high school friends.
Had the Collins family realized this would result in George’s absence from all future family cookouts, they would have gladly volunteered to take him in.
Alex, Bill’s second cousin twice removed, voiced his concerns on how the Collins family cookout would turn out without George. “We’re going to have to make do without him. I don’t know how we’re going to do it, but we will. We’ll pull through and survive this horrible, horrible event.”