By Celia David
Jessica Cooper, Lincoln High School dropout and mother of one has just released a new parenting book for expecting teens.
“There are plenty of parenting books out there,” the 16-year-old said, “but none of them are specifically written for teens. Most pregnancy books will tell you to breastfeed your child for at least six months. But what if you don’t want saggy boobs? Maybe old ladies don’t care about these kinds of things, but they’re really, really important to teen moms like myself. Seriously, if you’re a knocked up teen you need this book. It will totally save your life.”
Jessica’s book offers many parenting tips that she claims are “exclusively for teens.” These include how to hide a six-pack in your baby’s stroller and the best way to successfully pass your child off as your baby brother when in public. Jessica also makes sure to warn teens about some of the negative consequences of getting pregnant at a young age.
“If you get pregnant too early you might look super fat in your prom dress, so you should be really careful not to get pregnant 3-9 months before prom,” Jessica said. “But if you’re in your first trimester and you keep on a really strict diet, you probably won’t show too bad. Just remember to suck in when you take pictures.”
Jessica’s book, titled, Oh Sh*t, You’re Preggers! has come out in hardcover this week, and is already quickly climbing the national bestseller charts. However, not everyone is excited about this new publication. Sally Hogan, a counselor from Planned Parenthood, has some issues with the new book.
“Teen pregnancy has become a hot topic in recent months, and the publication of this book just seems to be capitalizing off a trend,” she said. “With shows like 16 and Pregnant and The Secret Life of the American Teenager becoming so popular and so lucrative, teen pregnancy has almost become a sort of fashion trend. I think the publishers of this book saw a chance to jump on the pregnant teen bandwagon, and they took it.”
However, there are many other people who are quite enthusiastic about the release of Jessica’s new book, especially her mother.
“I’m really glad Jess is getting this book deal,” said the 45-year-old, who recently quit her job to help her daughter take care of the baby, Liam. “I mean, she leaves me with Liam all the time: whenever she wants to go to a party, or chat online or go shopping with her friends. Maybe if she makes enough money from book sales we can finally hire a nanny, and I’ll be able to get some sleep. That would be wonderful.”
Jessica’s new parenting book is being published by the Los Angeles-based Dooshbague Publications. The company is releasing the book as part of its wildly popular “For Teens, By Teens” advice series. Other books in the series include How Can I Fix It? A Guide To Cosmetic Surgery Solutions For the Adolescent Misfit and Cliff Note Alternatives: Hard-to-Track Study Solutions.
“Oh Sh*t, You’re Preggers!” is currently available anywhere where banning books is illegal.
Celia David is a junior TV-R major. E-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.