By Senior Writer Jonathon Baldacci
By Chris Giblin
Whatever happened to history class in this country? When I was a youngster, it was the time of day when we could all relax a bit and take a break from tough math problems and writing assignments and bask in the glory of our forefathers. In history class, we learned about our nation’s glorious revolution, our glorious Civil War, and the overall greatness and glory that defines the world’s best country: America.
The way I see it, every change we’ve made in public education in the past few decades has only made things worse, and it’s all because the sensitive assholes just keep on winning. Our schools used to be sanctuaries of American tradition, where a kid could learn to play baseball or a girl to bake an apple pie, and good old-fashioned American patriotism was taught in every classroom. This isn’t so anymore.
Just the other day, I was having a gander at one of my old nickels, when my grandson comes up to me and says Thomas Jefferson was a jerk because he owned slaves and had illegitimate relationships with some of them. I was mortified when he told me he learned that filth in our public education system.
This is what’s become of education today- it’s a place where the American heroes of history get knocked down a few pegs while the villains and the losers get our sympathy. Let me quote my hero, Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, who once said, “We need patriotic education. We need to reinstate U.S. history.” If only Newt taught history to that grandson of mine, he’d probably have posters of Theodore Roosevelt and George Washington in his room, instead of those fast-talking hip hoppers. Pull your pants up, dammit! Sorry, I digress…
So basically I sat that little brat down at the kitchen table and made him unlearn everything he’s learned in that snobby, liberal elite, country hating, lie factory everyone else still likes to call a “school.” It didn’t take long really. I mean, the reality of our history is actually quite simple, continuous, and righteous up until the 1960s.
I told him the Founding Fathers were geniuses, every last one of them, and that their ideas were flawless. They were so perfect and infallible, it was like they were mangods, I told him.
Another big issue was President Andrew Jackson. Little Tommy kept going on about how he’s been accused of genocide of the Native Americans, and about how much corruption was in his administration. I corrected him and said he was simply a war hero who got the savages land somewhere we didn’t want to go, and that he was the first common man to become president, and maybe that got confused with “corruption.”
Eventually, I got tired, so I just told him how everything was going great ’til the ’60s and since then the only great thing in this country’s been Fox News and Ronald Reagan. No man captured the ideals of the American Dream like Reagan. Just watch one of his movies and try not to have your eyes twinkle. It doesn’t matter which one; they’re all great.
Bottom line: America’s youth needs a unified patriotism that comes from the champions of liberty we were founded by. We’re the number one nation in the world in everything, so we should have history textbooks that confirm that.