By Harrison Flatau
The 2008 Olympics held in Beijing must be stopped. It’s not because of the way the Chinese government treats Tibet and Tibetans or because their pollution output blankets the country like something out of a Stephen King story (The Mist, in case you’re wondering). And it’s definitely not because they don’t have Burger Kings. The real reason is because China is a communist country.
Communism and competition are two things that simply do not mix. It’s like oil and water, Robocop and Terminator, Aliens and Predators, or Captain America and bullets. Communism is defined as, “An economic or political system based on the sharing of all work and property by the whole community.” Now, sharing–that’s not a word I’d usually associate with competition. In fact, I’d say that sharing is the antithesis of competition. How can you have winners and losers when you share? Oh, wait. You can’t. If we share competition, then that makes those who win and lose cheaters and I don’t know anyone who likes cheaters.
The implications between this form of government and competition are incredibly scary. China has a reputation of brutally silencing protestors and dissenters who don’t adhere to their form of government. Just ask any Tibetan. Now imagine an athlete who refuses to compete because she doesn’t agree with China’s policies. I’m sure that China would go into her hotel room, kidnap her, and torture her until she complied with communism. And, as everyone knows, torture in communistic countries is always the worst because they have to use every method of torture known to man.
Actually, I take that back. China is going to do that with all the athletes. Because communism is based on sharing, and I pointed out earlier that there can’t be any winners or losers, China is going to physically handicap all the athletes so everyone will get a silver medal (there can’t be any gold or bronze medals, they imply winners and losers). Don’t be surprised if you see Michael Phelps wearing a cast on his leg when he tries to swim in the freestyle this summer (Also look for Wen Jiabao’s signature on Phelp’s cast. “Hey Mike. Big fan. Sorry about your leg, but I can’t help being a communist!”)
When I say every athlete is going to get a silver medal, I mean it. China is so overzealous about being fair that they’re going to need medals for every single competitor. Scratch that. China is going to need medals for everyone–athletes, journalists, attendees, judges, refs, and event coordinators. But how are they going to produce that many medals? By opening a sweatshop, obviously.
In order to mass-produce the amount of “silver medals” (re: cheap plastic) for everyone, China is going to have to open yet another sweatshop. Sweatshops are awful places where children work (it wouldn’t be fair if just the adults worked, would it) until they keel over and die. Of course, it’s always possible that the child won’t die from exhaustion–maybe it’s all the pollution or the dangerous work conditions. Either way, I don’t think a child dying is something the Olympic Committee would endorse. And yet, the Olympics are still set to commence on August 8.
So it seems that the Olympic Committee, those child-killing-pollution-promoting-pinko-commie-competition-ruining rapscallions are still going to hold the Olympics this year. If they’re not going to shut down the games this year, then we, as concerned citizens must not watch the Olympics this year. You can’t give in. I know that it’s going to be hard to not see the trampoline events this year, but you can’t submit to the evil communists. If you’re an athlete reading this, don’t go to Beijing. Pretend to come down with a cold, or miss your flight, something, anything.
And hey, in four short years the summer games will be held in London. If Beijing destroys the spirit of competition then maybe it’ll rise from the ashes and reemerge in London. Everyone knows how free London is. They just like to watch on Closed Circuit TV. I mean they really like to watch. But at least they let you do whatever you want (just as long as you don’t mind being watched).
Harrison Flatau is a junior writing major. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.